Secret Silent Killers

It will be a week tomorrow since Australia woke up to the news that Robin Williams had died. And not only died, but committed suicide. When I saw it come up in my newsfeed on FB, I was utterly shocked; one of the funniest people in the world, dead? And from suicide?

How completely heartbreaking.

I went through half the day in a daze. Robin Williams, famous for Mork and Mindy, Mrs Doubtfire, Good Morning Vietnam, and my absolutely favourite work of his, Dead Poet’s Society. (Yes, I can still say that entire movie off by heart.) How could this be?

I remember thinking “Please don’t be drugs, please don’t be drugs” as I read the first news article because I think I’ve become desensitized a bit to celebrity deaths as a result of overdoses. However, when I heard he had committed suicide and that was part of his depression, I felt so sad but also a bit of a kinship with this lost funny man.

I felt I could see into his mind and while not knowing ANY of the details, I felt I have shared in the overwhelming emotions that he must have gone through in those final days: Despair, hopelessness, foggy haze, a will to give up.

How do I know these things? Bc I have been there – and thankfully not succeeded in my mission to end my life. Sadly, Robin Williams did succeed and while we are left with a wonderful funny legacy on film, I think that what Robin Williams unknowingly left behind was also an awareness of how easily we can misread people; and how hard people work to show the world that everything is ok… when it’s just… NOT!

Why do we – collectively, think that we simply must hide our true feelings? WHY must we wear masks every day instead of being real and transparent with those who we love?

I think about Robin Williams and think about what he was most known for: His comedy. His comedy became a mask to the world but I truly hope that he had people that he didn’t need to wear that mask around.

It’s so sad when you feel you have no choice but to pretend to be ok. That by wearing a mask you are helping the people around you feel not so uncomfortable. The mask can hinder us towards recovery but it can also protect us.

I remember when I was so severely sick with depression in my 20’s. The psych nurses and doctors thought I’d never come out of such a deep depression. They said to me later, they had never seen someone so severely depressed and they were all certain I would end my life – it was just a matter of when. I never wore my mask around them. They were safe people. I could be real when I was in hospital, even as a day patient.

But when you go about your daily life, at the shops, at appointments, at church, you feel like you have no choice but to wear that mask bc you have seen people shy away from you. You see the look on their faces when you walk in the door. It’s a look of “Oh, great, she’s here… we’re obligated to speak to her but I never know wot to say”. You see the expression on their face change as you turn your direction away from them. They let out an obvious sigh of relief. 

Meanwhile, you curl up figuratively into a tiny tiny ball inside your own head bc you know they can’t bear to have yet another one-sided conversation with you. And while you are in that curled up little ball, you find the right mask to wear that tells them you are ok. You’re fine. You’re having a good day in fact.

And when they hear that, their whole demeanor changes and they suddenly become friendly and inviting again. And in this whole production, you are putting them at ease (you’re as tense as a block of wood), letting them think that their platitudes are helping (inside you’re screaming), you nod and act interested (when can I leave? When can I leave?) – All to protect the ones you love…. And yourself.

You wear your mask to protect those around you from… you! I used to hate the thought of the people I loved being forced out of obligation to talk to me bc I could see how much work it took them and the end result was never what they wanted. So I’d wear the masks – when I could (sometimes I was too sick to even do that) and let my loved ones think that life was ok, it was starting to look up.

But you wear the mask to protect you from them too – so that you don’t have to see the pity or the helplessness in their eyes because they know that nothing they do will really help.

And you know what? Sometimes it’s perfectly ok to wear a mask – when you go to the shops for example. No check out chick really wants to know all your dramas, and do you really want to spill ur guts to some random? No. So, you choose a mask and put it on while you’re out running errands.

I see these masks as secret silent killers. You don't know they are there unless you yourself are wearing them and you are not usually too open about talking about these masks and yet they can lead someone down the path of suicide.

But in order for the masks to really help you, you need to know when you can take them off again. THIS is the most important part and this is what will lead you to a measure of recovery.You need to be able to find some trust that there are people with whom you can be really you with. It might be a doctor, a psychologist, a pastor, a counsellor, a friend.  But you need to get real about your health, ur mind and your direction with someone.

I was so blessed that I had a really strong support network back in the darkest days of my depression. There were people I could be around that just let me be in the emotion – in the dark, in the hopelessness, in the haze. They didn’t pressure me. They definitely talked with me. They kept me accountable; they taught me a lot about myself and being transparent with who I am. And because I left my masks at the door and willingly took on the support they gave me, I was able to find a new Linda underneath all the crap that the abuse, the abandonment and the rejection had made me to be.

Nowdays I still struggle with depression – but it’s an entirely different thing to that 5 year dark period of my life. It’s different bc God healed me from that and He promised me I’d never have it like that again. And I haven’t. I know that might sound a bit airy fairy to some of you, but God really did a major healing in my life there.

I also see some people so so close to me struggle with depression. I think it hurts me more to see those I love in the midst of it than it does for ME to be in it.

If you have loved ones that are depressed and you’re worries about if they are suicidal or not there are a few key things to look out for.

• If they begin to talk about death or dying. Even phrases like “I wish I was dead” can mean a lot given the context.
• If your loved one is talking a lot about suicide, they may attempt, but it will more likely be a halfhearted attempt -and is generally more a cry for help.
• If your loved one suddenly STOPS talking about suicide, that is a biggie. You will find that when you are most serious about it, you don’t tell ANYone. I have a post on here (http://reflectionsofasunflower.blogspot.com.au/2012/09/my-twloha-story.html) that talks more about suicide itself.
• If the person has lost all hope.

I truly believe that a person comes to a place of wanting to commit suicide when they have no hope left.  When I lost my hope, my entire world became as black as black. It took many people and myself a lot of hard work to find the hope again. Help your friend find hope.

Do u have kids that your loved one loves? Give them a photo of your kids and tell them to hold it every time they wanted to die.  A friend did that to me and I can tell you, sometimes that photo was the ONLY thing that kept me hanging on to my life. My friend would say “Imagine how I could possibly tell them you had died bc you didn’t want to live anymore.” Or “what would I tell them? They would be heartbroken” The children were little at the time and I knew that they would not be able to comprehend suicide. I sometimes held on purely bc of the thought of my passing, scarring their little souls. 

I could talk so much more about suicide. I could repeat stories already shared, but what I desperately want you to come away from reading this with, is that while masks can be somewhat helpful at times, they generally do not aid someone to live a full and healthy life.

I implore you, if you, or those around you wear masks a lot, look at the why. Why do you wear them? Around who? Is there anyone you don’t need to wear a mask around? Can u be truly you with some people?

If you can, spend more time with those you can be real and transparent around. They will build you up, encourage you, affirm you, hold your hand through the darkness that is depression and hopelessness. Don’t let go of that hand. Just have faith that even if you can’t see the way ahead, if you hold tight, and be real, you will make it through the stormy dark clouds of hopelessness and find your true self standing in the sunshine of recovery.

In honour of Robin Williams and bc I am so passionate about being real and NOT wearing the masks, I made an art journal page to go along with this post.

Check it out below.

Love L xo