What Was I Thinking About Sleep & Food?

Where am I at with Bipolar? Well, we are friends.

Im actually doing really well. In fact I can say that apart from a month long hiccup late last year, I have been very balanced for a number of years now.

Bipolar and me go hand in hand. I’m not ashamed of having it, I don’t hate it. I understand what makes it tick and I have the control in this relationship! If anything, it let’s me have fun and so long as I am doing all the right things, then life shud be peachy.

The big key things about Bipolar – whether you have the depression, the mania or both (I am now solely manic, although mostly just hyper-manic) are sleep and food. Maybe I shud explain what Bipolar is a bit first....

Bipolar is one of two disorders that are the big grand daddies of the mood disorder world! The other is Schitzophrenia.

Bipolar is genetic – it is not caused by environmental stuff, although your environment can trigger it – it is purely based on chemicals in your brain passed down from one or two parents (I strongly believe I got this from my birth mother). Therefore, I will have this illness for the rest of my life, but it’s not a death sentence. I will tell you how it can be managed.

Bipolar basically means polar opposites in mood – depression which is the down, and mania which is the up. They are polar opposites of each other and people with this illness can swing from being extremely depressed (where they display behaviours like crying, sadness, anger, sleeping all day or insomnia, thoughts of death and suicide and on and on) to manic (where the behaviours can range from a very happy mood, to speaking a lot and/or fast, thought processes going a million miles a minute, impulsiveness – like with shopping, sex, etc, either little or no sleep (not insomnia), feelings of invincibility, thinking you are God, doing crazy out there kind of stuff, psychosis, not being able to sit still and the list goes on).

People who suffer from Bipolar depression will generally find that their depression is a lot more severe than those who have been diagnosed with Major Depression. I was surprised to find out that on a visit to see someone in the ward I used to be in, in hospital, the nurses used to often say they didn’t think I would make it through alive as they had never seen someone with such severe depression – which made sense once I understood that Bipolar Depression can be so bad. It definitely explained my depression which was just this immense cloud of blackness over everything.

My mania has never reached the heights of some - thank goodness. Some of you have known me for years and years.... some of you out there used to shake your heads when I would walk in the door. I definitely had a reputation for being loud and noisy and a lot of fun. Even my sister still tells me to quiet down (I’m used it, in fact I give certain people permission to tell me), but if she cud only remember back when I was out of control, lol. I was the liufe of every party, every gathering, even church! Looking back now, i see how out of control I was, but I just thought I was having a blast. Then my life changed when the depression hit. Once I had the healing and promise from God about the depression, I thought that I was home and hosed... not realising that what I actually had was Bipolar.

I have never done stupid things that have got me in trouble with the law – but I can be extremely impulsive with money and find it hard to keep it in my purse – where as my sister, she is awesome with money. Very controlled and planned. I wish I could be like that – and I am trying. But my impulsiveness has got me into trouble with collection agencies over the years. So now if I’m being impulsive, I have some questions that I try to remember.... Do I really need it? What else do I need to buy this week? How will I pay for it? Can I wait a day and then come back to get it? Can I layby it? Etc. I find that some of these questions often stop me from buying things to begin with. I really make myself weigh up the pros and cons... But it’s not easy when you are impulsive by nature and by illness.

I also set up things with Centrelink to help me out – I get my rent taken out of my money before it even hits my account – so I know I will always have that roof over my head. I try to make sure pay bills before I leave the house on pay day (I love internet banking), then, when I do leave the house, I make sure my first things I buy are food. This way, if I end up with nothing (L) at the end of the week, at least I know the essentials are paid for.

So, we have definitely established that impulsiveness is a big thing for me. Over the years I have learnt to tone down my voice (although it’s still too loud for some, lol), in fact, I have learnt to sit back and not comment until I have it sorted in my head so that I’m not just off rambling about dribble.

I struggle with sitting still. I’m a wriggler! I literally cannot sit there and do nothing! As much as I love church, it’s also torture for me. I simply cannot sit still for a whole sermon, so whether I get up to go to the loo, or play games with a couple of magnets in my bag, or play smiley faces at the baby in front of me, well, then I can focus a bit better. I can’t stop my legs from wriggling either. I’ve noticed that that may be something that a lot of p[people with anxiety have – they ‘jiggle’ their leg or legs when sitting. I get in trouble for it by some people, but again, it’s still movement and honestly, sometimes I don’t have a lot of control over it.

I have struggled at times with illusions and hallucinations but these have been a minor thing in my Bipolar journey. I have to take anti-psychotics nowdays to stop them coming, but truthfully, they only happened when I was severely stressed and I reckon I cud go off them now but I’m too scared they will come back.

My wonderful old psychologist once told me that when you hallucinate you always see the things you fear the most..... this was in question as to why the ONLY thing I wud see is spiders. I went through a period of about 3-4months when i had no idea if the spiders I were seeing were real or not. And wot made it worse was that occasionally they were real and I would find myself getting hysterical with not knowing. If I knew they were all in my head it would have made it much easier to deal with, but the fact they were sometimes really there, completely did my head in. You would often find me freaking out and yelling “Is it real? Is it real?” to my friends.

The illusions were a bit different – I think the difference between the two (nothing to back this up, just my own theory) is that hallucinations are ‘visions’ (for want of a better word) that you see that don’t exist. Illusions are things that you see (and do exist) but they alter the way they look. One of the most common illusions I used to have would be when I was driving. I would see cars parked on the side of the road and suddenly they were rolling towards me, then all of a sudden I would pass them and they would be stationary again. Or I used to see pictures on the wall (or wallpaper) zoom in and out at me. Often I would see curtains move as if the wind was blowing them, and yet you might be inside a room where the windows were closed. Bizarre!

There are lots of other little things about my Bipolar I cud go into but I really wanna focus now on the two things that help keep me stable and balanced. Not better.... but Balanced!

So, I mentioned earlier that the two important factors in me being balanced were food and sleep. I think it’s funny how these two things affect so many vast areas of our health and in terms of mental health, it’s no different.

A turning point for me came when I realised that the more sleep I got and at the right times, the more stable my moods would be. As someone who has suffered from insomnia lifelong, I have done a lot of research into sleep and one of the most interesting things about sleep is that we have cycles.

Im not gonna tell you here about REM and deep sleep and all that. What I wanna tell you about is the fact that our bodies have cycles. These cycles are called Circadian Rhythms. Each ‘cycle’ or rhythm lasts approximately 90 minutes. You have heard of your body clock? Well, that is just another name for Circadian Rhythms. As humans, our bodies are designed to wake with the sun and sleep with the dark. It’s all to do with the chemicals in our bodies and brains. Certain chemicals from the sunlight help us wake up and others help us sleep when the sun goes down.

The problem we have with today’s lifestyle is that we have made our own sunlight. We have electricity so our bodies have no idea when they should be getting ready for bed and when to get up. The chemicals are all mixed up. By nature, people in general are designed to get up with the sun... but people with Bipolar, by nature, are designed to get up about 4 hours after the sun. I can’t remember it all off the top of my head, but it’s all to do with those pesky chemicals. You will find that most people with Bipolar are actually night owls – that is because our bodies’ chemicals are still in day time mode for another 4 hours when the sun goes down.

Another interesting thing is about those body rhythms I mentioned. Do u ever find during the day that you go through periods where you just wanna crash? Three-thirty-itis? Or do you find that some days you drop into bed and fall asleep so fast and others you don’t? Or mornings where you wake up bright as a button and other days you literally have to drag yourself out of bed? They can all be explained by these body/circadian rhythms. Remember how I said they were 90 minutes long? Well, every 90 minutes your body is going through this cycle. You may notice that you suddenly get drowsy, take note of the time and then again the next time you start feeling drowsy. You might just find that it is approximately an hour and a half later than the last time. People think that you have a sleep cycle but the truth is that the cycle continues while you are awake.

If you are like me, and struggle to even get to sleep let alone stay asleep, then this is a good tip for you to remember.... if you can’t get to sleep in less than 15 minutes, don’t stress about it. Get up, do something, and as soon as you get sleepy it means you’re at that point in ur sleep cycle where you will be able to drop off if you go to bed. Sometimes I am so into the book I am reading that I fight off sleep bc I don’t wanna put it down. I have to ask myself what the time is.... and can I afford to fight through this sleepiness and keep reading for another hour and a half or shud I really put the book down and go to sleep? There is no point in me getting mad if I decided to read to the end of the chapter only to find that I’m wide awake when I switch off the light – if that you’re only at the 30 or 40 or 50 minute mark, you might as well keep reading, or watching tv or whatever, bc you know you will just lie there drumming your fingers waiting for that 90 minutes to be up. This has been the most useful thing I ever discovered in helping me to be balanced. Did u get that? I Bolded, Italic’ed it and even underlined it, it was that good for me to know.

As someone with Bipolar these points about sleep have been a life saver. When you have Bipolar it is vital that you get enough sleep. Too little sleep and you run the risk of mania, too much.... well, that isn’t good for anyone. Late last eyar, where I was living was on a highway and I had a lot of trouble sleeping. Even though i was doing everything else right, I just could not sleep and so that triggered off a hyper-manic episode for me. I had to up the dosage of my anti-psychotic to quite high just so I cud get my sleep but once I had had about 2 weeks of 10-12 hours nights, I could feel my mind coming back to its balance.

Food is another big factor in Bipolar disorder – or really for anyone who wants a clear mind.

There have been periods in my adulthood where I’ve just eaten junk... whether it’s bc I just wanted too, or bc I felt I couldn’t afford proper healthy food so I got packets of 2 minute noodles and loved off them instead (let’s face it, when you’re impulsive, all you can afford is crap food, lol). Probably in the last couple years I have got to a place where I put a put of focus on what I eat and I can honestly say that nowadays the only really naughty thing I consume is Coca Cola – and even that is not as often as it used to be.

There are so many theories around about what red cordial and/or sugar does to kids. Well, I’m here to tell you that it’s not only children who are affected by junky food. A lot of kids are now diagnosed with ADD or ADHD when in fact (and I have old friends who have practiced this bc of their kid with ADHD) they don’t need medication first and foremost. What they need is vegetables, fruit and lean meat. It’s not just the mentally ill who need this for good brain function – anybody and everybody needs this food.

I know that when I have been eating a lot of sugary stuff, not only does the weight stack on, but my mind is more confused, I don’t make sense, I have a lot of fuzziness in my brain which means I can’t concentrate on stuff, I get the shakes, my memory is worse and so on and on and on.

I’ve had to go back to what my foster dad taught me about healthy eating and really, it’s all right there. Like I said, not only does it help combat many other bodily diseases (heart disease, kidney function, diabetes etc.) it is the best brain food around (yes, Sam Neil, I hear ya).

Clear and simple, food outa the ground and from animals = clear thinking and healthy brain function! End of story!

So you can now see the two most important ways that I became stable.

This has been such a long entry that I had to break it up into two.... but thankyou for reading my little journey through mental health. I will finish the story one day... let you in on what I’ve done with all that knowledge about mental health. But right now? I gotta go have a break.

<3 

Inside My Brain! What Was I Thinking????

I grew up with a dad who was a Naturopath as well as a farmer. 

I figure that is a great thing as I learnt a lot about healthy living; the right diet, alternate ways to deal with illness and the list could go on forever. It has definitely helped me be more open to alternative medicine (although Im not what you might call a 'hippy freak'). I'm a big believer (thanks to dad) on finding other ways to deal with things rather than taking medications. I don't mean substitute chemical meds for herbal meds, I mean like when you have a headache, go lie down in a dark quiet room with heat/ice and only use painkillers as a last resort.

As a result of this thinking being instilled in me in my upbringing, I have come across quite a few barriers where my health is concerned as an adult. When I was a child, I was super healthy. I think that between the ages of 5 and 19 (when I moved out of home) I visited a dr all of maybe twice (and one of those times was for stitches from a barbed wire fence)! It took another 2-3 years after that till a friend finally convinced me to find myself a dr.

Anyway, when I was in my 22nd year of life, I developed Depression. It had a sudden onset (which I won't go into right now), triggered by one highly emotional event. My depression very quickly developed into me cutting my arms (self injury – SI) on a daily, sometimes hourly basis. I had 15 hospitalisations over the worst years of my mental illness. Amongst all that I also had a number of diagnoses – what began as Depression became a list of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (ODC), Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Dissociative Disorder (DD) and eventually the Depression turned into Bipolar Affective Disorder.

What a list! Whew!

Throughout that time I discovered the importance of a support network – a group of people around me who could not only be there when I needed a hug, but people who could really listen, who were not scared of the words “Mental Illness”, who were not going to shun me bc I was doing something destructive to my body, who could take me to the hospital, and mostly, who set strong healthy boundaries with me as I struggled through not only illness, but the addiction of cutting myself, and learning new social and living skills.

Looking back, I was so incredibly blessed by the people God put in my life. I quite often think about those people now with sadness as they or rather we, have all kinda moved on now and I don’t see any of them anymore.

In 2003 I actually had one of those miraculous healings that you occasionally hear about – the kind you read of in books. Yes, it actually happened to me!

Our church had a guest speaker come and do a conference – I forget what the theme of it was, but I’ll never forget him or his face as he prayed for my healing. I’ll never forget that feeling of the Holy Spirit coming over me and I was completely engulfed in wot I can only describe as peace!

Right then and there I knew that I was well again. It’s like God formed the words inside of me, the words: “Linda, you will never have that kind of depression ever again.”

I remember asking my pastor at the time how do u know if a healing is real when it’s in ur head? His response was to test it. Like that bible verse (Judges 6:36-40) where Gideon puts out a fleece to see if it really was from God, that he was going to be used to rescue Israel. Well, my ‘fleece’ was that I went into my psychiatrist the very next day (I just happened to have an app with him). I told him wot had happened the day before, he though not being a Christian, didn't believe it. However, when I boldly told him I wanted to come off my meds, without hesitation he trusted me and said I cud – on one condition, and that was if I ever got sick again, I would go back on them. The very fact that he didn’t argue with me, or even tell me to ween off the meds was more un-needed proof that this was from God.

So I went cold turkey (don’t ever do it, I was so sick for 2 weeks, lol), and it took me another 16 months before I had to go back onto medication – and you know wot? It was NOT for depression. Ironically I became manic which then gave me a final diagnosis. – Bipolar. Surprisingly (and with a bit of pride) my dr told me that he didn’t think I would last 2 months so to go 16, well, I was pretty proud of me, myself.

This does make sense though. We looked back over my life, asked old friends and worked out that I probably had the mania since I was 16 years old. The 5 dark years of depression are the only times of pure darkness I’ve had – the rest is all UP!

In terms of my other illnesses, my OCD is sort of under control. I was never one of those people who washed their hands repeatedly, although I don’t think it would have taken much for me to get to that point. My main problem is with germs. While I can be quite untidy... I am VERY clean hygienically. My pet hates of housework? Bins, pet stuff and toilet! Luckily I have a wonderful brother who does those things, he also gets rid of the spiders in the house and dead things my cat brings to me bc in my head, they all contain myriads of disease.

I did a lot of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) to overcome the worst of my OCD and now, to keep it in check, I have to challenge myself to play with the cats, to do the bins myself and to clean the toilet... you get the picture. The biggest thing I learnt in CBT is that the more you challenge those thoughts, the easier it becomes to do the dreaded task. It is highly uncomfortable living with the germs but if I don’t wash my hands, and sit with the anxiety then after 15 minutes (the theory is) that anxiety will subside. So I am pretty much daily challenging the OCD thoughts in my head because if I don’t, I know the thoughts and compulsions are going to overtake my world and I might end up back in hospital. Luckily, I do quite thrive on challenges J And if I ever needed more incentive to keep the house clean... well, then I just watch Hoarders on Gem! That does it quick smart, hehe!

My Borderline Personality Disorder, mainly came from the cutting (another whole post) – I definitely fit the criteria of it, but the most obvious part for me was the cutting. Some of my other ‘symptoms’ cud have also been Mania but I guess we will never know as the two are quite similar even though one is to do with moods and the other with personality.

I did this great course on Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (Marsha Linehan for those wanting to know) where you learn lots of new ways of dealing with distress, anger and a lot of other emotions and situations. I did the course twice – the second time being a bit of a co-leader as I was in the very first group who had done it in S.A. the first time.

Anyway, the Psychologist who ran the group was also the lady I saw for my CBT – and we already had a long relationship before doing the course – but it was great to have the same person as we could then discuss in my sessions with her, the things I struggled with in the group. As a result of the long hours of work with this amazing woman, and also the group (x2), I no longer have borderline. I will never forget sitting in her office and the Psych saying to me

“Linda, you no longer have Borderline! We really have to rub that off your list of illnesses”.

I do still have Borderline Tendencies – which if not held in check can possibly develop back into the illness (can you see how hard I have to work to stay sane? Hehe!) But all in all, I was very excited to mentally erase that one from my ‘list’. (I could actually talk a lot more about the stigma associated with this illness but maybe I’ll save that for another time).

So! The Dissociative Disorder... what the hell is that????

Nearly every single person experiences dissociation at some point – a really easy way for most people to understand this is when you are at the shops and you’re driving home... and suddenly you’re there – at home and you have no memory of driving down the road, waiting at traffic lights, passing other cars, driving into ur driveway. See? Im sure you can relate to that kind of example. Another classic example is day dreaming, pure and simple!

Well a Dissociative Disorder is more of the same only magnified. Have you heard of Multiple Personality Disorder? The Politically correct term for this now is Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) and I do know a few people who struggle with this syndrome/illness/disorder/disease (there is a lot of debate over the classification).  DID is the big granddaddy of the Dissociative Disorders.

A DD usually occurs when a person has had incredible (often ongoing) trauma – generally at a young age, and their brain cannot comprehend or deal with what is going on. The brain actually shuts off from the trauma and kind of ‘escapes’ to another reality. Usually the person who experiences this has no idea what is going on in either the real world where the trauma is happening, or in the ‘world’ where their mind has gone to escape. For people with DID, (correct me if I’m wrong you guys out there who have this) that part of the brain that is escaping the trauma hides and another ‘personality/alter’, comes to the for – usually a protector and the person who is the ‘main’ personality (the ‘real’ person) has no idea what this other person is doing and saying. I could go on and on and on about DID, but I’m here more to talk about DD in general.

For me, having a Dissociative Disorder means in layman’s terms... I have a bad memory. Well, that isn’t actually the truth of it, but I find it easier to blame my memory than to have to go explaining this illness to people, when the reality is that most don’t really want to know.

Because I had a lot of trauma as a child, my brain couldn’t cope with all that was going on, and so I actually have no memory of it. In fact, I distinctly remember one time talking to a Police Officer and thinking I was making up what I was telling them bc I honestly didn’t know wot to say. The thing is, it matched other evidence they had – so looking back now as an adult, there must have been part of my brain that knew wot was happening.

This disorder is actually the worst one for me even though I hardly ever mention it – and I really do gloss over it by blaming my memory. But for me, my psychiatrist once said that I am in a partial state of Dissociation all the time. I’m not sure how true this is, but I do know that the only times my memory seems to work is when I’m highly emotional – whether positive or negative, where there is a lot of emotion, I have a better chance of remembering it. My dr said that’s not surprising although I can’t remember why, (insane, isn’t it, lol).

If what he is saying is true, then it does explain why, when I look back at my life, I really just see darkness (I’m a very visual kinda gal). Not darkness bc of the all the bad that happened... but because I don’t have an visuals to fill the darkness. Here and there I see glimpses of yellow – which are vague memories that I have. My best friend who I grew up with (we have been friends for over 30 years, how cool), often says to me “Do u remember so and so? Or this event? Or when so and so did this?”. I hate to say it, but I don’t. The few memories I do have a extremely vague.

And yet, one of the very few memories I have from when I was really young (5 or 6) was going over to my “favourite cousin’s” (u know who u are) house, and slept over. All I remember is wearing the same dress as one of my cousins and we went to milk the calves and I spilt milk all over my pretty dress and had to wear an ugly one to school (musta been casual day). Hehe, isn’t it funny what we remember?

So for some reason, my brain escapes reality a lot. I have no control over it which frustrates the hell out of me. I’ve been accused many times of manipulating people because I don’t remember and of not caring, or not listening, when in fact, I really don’t have memory of something because I was not ‘there’! It’s like my body is doing one thing and my brain something else entirely. My biggest problem with this, is that with my other mental illnesses, I can find ways of coping, ways of living with it, new skills, etc. But with a Dissociative Disorder, I am yet to find something to help with it. I do use a lot of visual reminders. Like for example, when I’m at the dr and she gives me instructions I always make sure she writes it down as she tell me. That way I can go home and read it again later. I make people write down EVERYTHING if it’s important for me to remember. I have little notes scattered all over. Sometimes it really does jog a memory, but a lot of the time, I have to just trust that I wrote down something for a reason even if I don’t have the memory to go with it.

I really hate it, but I figure it has its blessings too. I used to mentor a lot of young people at my church and I could never remember what they were saying to me between when I saw them. I always figured that if God wanted me to remember between times, he would find a way to have me remember – it was the same with my clients (but harder as I had to then go and write case notes, which is why I always did them straight away, lol).

One of the worst things for me about my Dissociative Disorder (and you can tell if I’m unwell bc this will happen literally alllll the time) is that I can be halfway through a sentence and then stop suddenly as I’ve either forgotten the first half of the sentence and am wondering what the sentence was that I’m finishing.... or I am half way thru and can’t remember the second part of the sentence. There have been many times when I’ve ended up in tears of frustration over it. Perhaps that’s why I quite like emails and chat – bc I can reread what I’m saying and don’t look like an utter idiot, lol. Mostly though, I try and bluff my way through and people are none the wiser. So if I’m talking to you and I say something that doesn’t quite make sense just double check with me as it’s highly possible I have forgotten and am trying to bluff my way though. Lol.

So I guess that is enough for now about Dissociative Disorders. 


I want to share with you about my Bipolar as well, but I might post that in another entry as this is super long already!

The Truth (?) About Friendships....

I've been thinking a lot about friendships in the last little while. Reflection on my friendships of the last 12 months has led me to question everything I thought I knew about friendships.

Let me explain why friendship has come into question for me....

I have one friend who only wants me around when it suits her. She gets angry if I don’t call her and yet she rarely calls me. She never visits but expects me to visit her all the time. Her reason? She has kids and I don’t. The thing is, her children are almost all in their teens and she has no problem leaving her family for jaunts with her other girlfriends which appear to be more and more frequent. Yet I feel like I am subject to anger, manipulation and being a back up when her other more ‘important’ friends are not around.

This friend who I have known for years and honestly, who I deeply love, seems less and less interested in my welfare. If I am visiting, and someone else drops in, suddenly I become the person who makes them the coffee and completely insignificant (except for the coffee). I am certainly not her confidante anymore, as I hear her either on the phone to others or in real life, tell them deeply personal things which I was always privy too. Now I find myself having to pull teeth to get any info out of her. It’s quite hurtful and I find myself asking if this is a real friendship.

Then there is the guy who I thought of as my ‘surrogate’ father; the guy who would openly tell anyone and everyone that I was his/their ‘adopted’ daughter. Well, they offered to have me move in with them bc of my health issues. It seemed like a dream come true for me and so of course I snapped up the offer only to have the situation turn extremely nasty.

Again, I have known these people for many many years – approx 15 years, and to have them suddenly turn against me for such small things (I won’t go into it here, but needless to say, I’ve had professional people tell me it was domestic violence – or wud have been classed as that if I had been the guy’s partner), well it does make me question my judgement of people.

Then there is another guy who I have been friends with for some years. We were so close – at one point we had a romantic relationship, and then friendship. I supported him through some extremely challenging situations (like the death of a parent) and even though I wanted to cut and run many times, I stuck it through bc I believe that friends don’t dump people when it gets too hard.

Last year, through my friendship woes with the ‘surrogate father’, this friend then proceeded to go behind my back – for my own good mind you, and cause more problems in an already tumultuous relationship. The intention was to smooth things over even though I begged repeatedly for him not to get involved. He didn’t respect my requests and continually butted in, making things ten times worse than they ever could have been.

Then, when things really hit the fan for me, I would ring him up to talk to, and he would literally turn his back on me. I thought friends stick together no matter what. Again, this hurt me to the core, and I can only wonder what this guy deems friendship.

But then there are the positives of friendship....

I have a friend who has been one of my closest friends since we were 4 years old. She is married now and has 4 gorgeous children. I am godmother to one of these little angels. We both have our ups and downs in our own lives, but listen when the other one needs a friend. The only problem is, that bc she has 4 littlees, we don’t get to catch up much. However, whenever I visit, I always go home with either leftovers, flowers from the garden, fresh eggs, or freshly picked vegies and an enormous sense of happiness and contentedness.

Or another girlfriend who is like a little sister to me – someone who doesn’t care if we don’t talk in months, but when we see each other it’s like no time has passed. Someone who also does what she can for my good. Recently she got me something for my new house which I wasn’t expecting, a massive gift! Or she will out of the blue, take me out for tea bc she works and I don’t and she knows I can’t afford it. The other week, she offered to come out of her way, pick me up each Sunday and go to church with me bc atm I don’t have transport, and she knows how much I wanna go back to church.

You can see here that there are two types of friendships: the ones with strings attached and the ones without.

The problem is, I know deep down with everything inside of me, that all 5 of these people love me very much – but some of these friendships are healthy and some are, to put it bluntly... NOT!

So, what to do????

Some might say the obvious answer is to dump the unhealthy friends. But it’s not so easy when you are me and have a massive capacity to love others and to see the good in them no matter what.

Obviously, the unhealthy friendships only exists bc we somehow get something from the other person that we really need – or feel we need. But is it worth the pain and anguish? I don’t know.

I do know that without some of those friendships my life would be more boring. I would be more alone. Maybe they are there to fill the gap in my life as in the last few years my friendship base has become so much smaller.

I used to be the girl who knew everybody and everybody knew. I was the girl who flitted from one group to another at gatherings bc I had so many people to catch up with. And I genuinely did spend time with each group of friends. I was heavily involved in the church youth group scene and was a leader on a myriad of camps, rallies etc. I loved the attention and I loved being a leader.

And you know, if you happen to be on my friends list on Facebook, well, then you are one of the privileged 1200! Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have that many friends who I know in real life who are also my FB friends. At least half are there for the games only. Then at least another 300 are either old school or youth friends – people I don’t really know anymore but am interested in hearing what they have been up to since our younger days. Then there is another 100-200 at least, who are from the church I just recently left (and let’s face it, I was losing contact with these people anyway, so to stay in sort of touch via FB is ok... for now).

Then there are another 50 or so who I would class as family – cousins, aunts, uncles, surrogates (yes I have a few ‘extra’ brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles) etc. who I might not see anymore, but bc they are family, it’s really lovely to see pics of the new bub or the new harvester or to just check in etc. Or I have them on there so that they know Im doing ok.

So when it comes down to it, I guess I’d be lucky to have maybe 50 people on my FB who I genuinely have a relationship with on a day to day/month to month basis.

But the real truth of it is that it seems like I don’t have the energy for a lot of friends anymore. I don’t know whether it’s bc I was burnt so badly last year, or the fact that I have an auto-immune disease and Bipolar that scares people away. Or even just that everyone is so busy with their own lives that they don’t have room for me now.

I have heard that one of my cousins lives about 2kms from me (I have just moved house) and in the old days, she was one of my favourite people. I keep thinking how much I would love to catch up with her – after all it’s only about 5 or 6 bus stops from my place. However now, with my stupid body in pain all the time, and the fact that it’s been so long since we’ve properly caught up, will it be awkward? Does she really want to hear how I’ve been going? Is it more duty that makes me want to visit? Do either of us have the emotionally capacity to sit there and listen to the other as we catch up after so long? Has too much time passed? So many questions go through my head, meanwhile no visit is happening and no friendship is building.

We had some dear older friends over for tea last night (yes, they tasted yummy, lol). And it took a great amount of effort on my part to prepare – mostly bc it was above 40 Degrees Celsius and I was having a bad pain day. But we had the loveliest time and it was fantastic to catch up with these beautiful people. And yet today, I am so lethargic, and listless, and in incredible pain that it makes me hesitate to do it again with someone else, even though the emotional rewards are great.

Sometimes the effort is worth it, but maybe it’s a matter of pacing urself and picking and choosing the time and people you want to invest in.

I know I haven’t really drawn any conclusions here – but I think that’s because I am still processing it all. Im sure that if I have any great revelations I will share them with you. 

In the meantime, have a good one. 

xo

Getting to Know the SunflowerGirl!

Hi everyone and welcome to my garden of thoughts, feelings and opinions (otherwise known as a blog!)

Why have a blog you may ask? Put simply.... I talk too much!!!!!

Nah, it's not only that - I have Lupus which is an auto-immune disease and quite often bc of this I am stuck at home with no one to hear my thoughts... so I figure, why not write them down here and maybe provide some entertainment or thought-provoking action by readers of blogs?!

I'm pretty new at this and even though I have a lot in my head I need to get out, it might take some getting used to for me to write it down instead of ringing a friend.

I'd love your feedback and to hear your own thoughts - especially on what I share here. Feel free to comment and comment and... well, you get the idea.

So who am I?

I am a (currently) 35 year old South Australian and mighty proud of it. I guess you could say I am mixed race although I identify as Aboriginal (of which I am also extremely proud). My ancestry is actually French/German, English/Aboriginal and way back in the dark there, believe it or not is even a bit of Chinese.

I grew up in foster care from the age of 2 through to an adult. I have a twin brother and a sister aswell as two beautiful nephews and one gorgeous niece. I have a cheeky godson and am a  'surrogate' aunty to him and his siblings.

From the age of 5 onwards, my twin and I lived with a family in the country on a farm with our sister joining us a bit later. I swear - the best place to grow up is on a farm! The values, the sense of humour, the work ethic... the best people!!!!

When I went to live with this foster family, I got the best gift I could ever receive and that was that I met Jesus. So we have been friends/family since I was 5 years old. Awesomeness!!!!

When I was a young adult, I was diagnosed with severe major depression. I was sick for many years with this and also used to cut myself ... a lot! (I can share more on that another time). I had many hospitalizations and a number of diagnoses with the end result being that I have Bipolar Affective Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and a Dissociative Disorder. I am currently fairly balanced... yay!

I have studied at tertiary level and successfully completed some TAFE Certificates which enabled me to get a job in mental health. I have written a paper on Self Injury and presented it all over Adelaide (as well as an Australasian conference) as a Professional Development Workshop based on my paper with such positive feedback. I am hoping to get it published but atm that is on hold.

About 2 and a half years ago I became sick and was told I had an auto-immune disease although they didn't know what one. Since then, I have been diagnosed with Lupus (although that is now in question) and Fibromyalgia. As a result I have had to stop working, and am bored out of my brain, which brought me to the idea of writing this blog!

The last year has been extremely tumultuous in terms of accommodation, friendships, God, the works! The week before Christmas, I moved in with my twin and so far things are going great.

Two important members of the family are our two cats - I got mine - Dougie, in September and my brother got his - Tiger in December. They easily won our hearts over and we wouldn't be without them now, lol.

What are my passions you ask?

Well...I love the Adelaide Crows footy club. Andrew McLeod = YUM!

Aussie Rules is definitely the best and most REAL football game there is! Period!

I also love scrapbooking - there is a bunch of us girls who do it together, although my main monthly project atm are ATC's.

I quite love FB although Im not really into other social networking sites - I have more than enough to keep up with with just FB. Ok, let's be real here, I almost LIVE on FB, lol.

I love tv and movies - I actually have always used them as an escape from my reality - which let's face it, being in foster care for my entire childhood....has been pretty bad! Just a week ago we got our first digital tv with all the extra channels so Im quite happy.

I am single atm having ended a relationship about 18months ago. If any of you know any hot single Christian guys, let me know.... please!!!!!! Lol.

Mostly though, my passion is Jesus and fulfilling the plans he has told me about (so far)! He has given me a massive heart for the marginalised and even though i feel my life is at a standstill atm, I know that hopefully soon I can get back to educating, advocating and raising awareness for the minority groups in our community.

I am part way through a Social Work degree - but it's on hold while I sort out my stupid sick body! This degree is another step in me fulfilling my dreams of helping other people.

My life mantra is to make a positive difference in people's lives, even if it's just brightening their day with a smile. And my favourite quote is as follows:

~ There go the people. I must follow them for I am their leader. ~

                                     ~ Alexandre Ledru-Rollin ~

 Say.No.More!

xo