So today is World Suicide Prevention Day!
Suicide is something I've had a bit to do with in my adult life and I've been reflecting on it today as I've watched a doco on Foxtel about it, and of course, it's been all over Facebook!
I have so many thoughts on suicide - some that contradict each other. But let's start with some facts:
Each year 65,000 Australians attempt to take their own lives (There are on average 130,000 total deaths per year in Australia) – of these attempts – Australia loses approximately 2,500 loved ones.
Nearly all suicides are preventable. This World Suicide Prevention Day, take the time to learn about suicide, recognise the signs and help to reduce the stigma associated with help-seeking – you may save a life one day.
http://www.wspd.org.au/ (World Suicide Prevention Day)
I have seen suicide from two sides of the coin - from attempting a number of times, to the other side where I am what some call a 'Suicide Survivor' - being a person affected by someone else's suicide.
So, for me, I had severe severe depression and before it was actually diagnosed as being Bipolar, I was in the darkest place imaginable. Years later, I was told by some hospital staff who had seen and supported me through that time, that I was someone with the severest depression they had ever seen and to this day they are stunned I am still alive.
I had 5 years of that horrible dark depression and throughout that time I was hurting myself a lot. I was a 'hardcore self injurer'. One time I injured myself so badly that I almost died and needed blood transfusions.
That was accidental. My suicide attempts were not.
Many say that attempting suicide (su for short) is a way to get attention. Sometimes I agree with that but I also know it's not just about a cry for help.
When you are in such a deep darkness sometimes the only way to find the light is to reach for it with a knife, or by jumping or swallowing something. When you feel so incredibly hopeless that there is literally no other option that you can see, it's easy to think that ending this life is an option.
I remember that feeling. I felt like there was always a constant scream stuck in my throat. No matter who I went to for help, that scream, silent though it was, just kept getting bigger. My mind would get fuzzy, my thoughts confused, the lack of light in my life just blacker and blacker.
I would turn to people and them, not understanding my desperation would palm me off, dismissing my pain and anguish as 'not that bad'.
If it really wasn't that bad, how come I couldn't pull myself out of it? No matter how hard I tried. I went to intensive counselling once a week. I went to my psychiatrist and psychologist once a week. I saw my pastor two-three times a week and yet the darkness wouldn't budge.
There were times when I wanted to end it - not for good, but just to quiet down my head. To still the thoughts and bad voices just for a few minutes. Can you imagine, really imagine what it's like to have voices (thoughts) yelling at you constantly saying things like: "You're so pathetic", "You're bad", "You deserve the things that have happened to you", "God has given up on you so why don't you give up?" and it went on and on.
I remember three times when I attempted suicide - by various methods which Im not going into here Well, those times, in hindsight, were more a cry for help. I felt that I was just a nuisance to so many people and yet I was desperately trying to keep my head above water in the stormy seas of my life and really not succeeding.
I remember one time, a doctor in emergency who was pumping my stomach after an overdose as I was going in and out of consciousness, like a far away voice, telling me that if I *really* wanted to kill myself I should have taken such and such drugs. Idiot! Maybe he thought I was so out of it that I wouldn't know what he was saying. But of course, it was the one thing I heard and so I began stockpiling!
Another time, I remember trying so hard and nothing would happen and me being so incredibly angry that it wasn't working. I always took an easy way out - and now I think it's because I didn't want something truly permanent as I just want help.
The one time I was deathly serious about it?
I was at church. I remember telling myself it was the last time I would have Holy Communion.... but should I have it knowing what I was gonna do at home? It was my final goodbyes to those I loved. The ones I couldn't see that night, I composed letters too. It was actually very ritualistic, the whole night. I remember thinking that I was gonna confront Jesus (assuming I went to heaven) and ask him why he had let all these bad things happen to me. And I remember my joy and excitement - yes, real and genuine excitement, that I would see my dad who had passed away when I was 17. I remember being happy, and relieved that I had finally made the decision to really go. I was looking forward to getting home so I could put my plans into action and be o my way to my real home!.
I was deadly serious!
The 'problem' was. One of the pastors clicked that something was up and stopped me.... just in time. I remember being soooo angry. So cheated! And that scream in my throat overwhelmed me.
I had so many strategies to try when I felt suicidal. Not many helped.... although this one did, sort of: I had some very supportive amazing friends at the time who gave me a photo of their 4 kids. They were like little brother and sisters to me. They said "Imagine what we would have to tell the kids if you succeeded. Every time you want to do this, look at this photo and think of their faces and how they will feel". It was hard but it was one strategy that helped me hold off.
The one thing I have learnt since that time, is that when you are truly determined, you keep it to yourself. Each of the other times I attempted, I let people know - so I could be rescued. But that one time. I thought I was so careful in HOW I said my goodbyes to not let anyone realise. But this guy knew me too well. And now, Im glad he did. Because I wouldn't be sitting here writing to you to help you understand this side of the suicide coin.
Im not condoning this kind of behaviour. I have learnt there are other ways of dealing with things. But when you are truly in that dark space and there really seems no other options, I completely understand why people make this decision.
On the other hand.....
Having been 'in the mental health system' for years, I have seen a few dear friends succeed where I did not. And it's so sad. I often think that if they had just hung on that little bit longer, maybe there would have been a spark of hope that captured their hearts and kept them grasping on.
My nephew's dad ended his life when my nephew was 3 (he's now 15). I barely knew him. I've had limited contact with my sister, but my heart used to cry in such anguish when my dear 6 year old nephew would tell me his dad killed himself when he was 3. What 6 year old needs to even KNOW that? I often wonder how my nephew copes without his dad. Does he feel like me, where every birthday, every Christmas, every Father's day just feels bleak without that father figure there? My dad died from heart disease, but his died bc he wanted too. I just think of all the lost memories between him and my dear nephew. It breaks my heart.
Probably the person closest to me that attempted suicide (and thankfully did not succeed) was a past boyfriend. He also has mental health issues and it was in the first 6 months of our 4 year relationship. Just around Christmas time. I was staying at his place, he was in a really bad space and even though I had gone to bed, he was still up. Next thing I knew, it was early morning and he had crashed into the room where I was sleeping and literally dropped onto me. I will never forget the feeling of being woken to find your bf unconscious.
I remember slapping his face trying to wake him up. I remember ringing the ambulance and then racing upstairs to his folks (they lived on the floor above him) to tell them what had happened and bc I was, to put it plainly, freaking out!
I can still hear his dad say "Oh no, not again!". The next hour was a bit of a blur. They wouldn't let me come to the hospital bc my foot was in plaster and I was soooo frustrated. I was frustrated bc his family's attitude was so blaze - their opinion was, he was just doing it for attention and he's done it before, he'll keep doing it again and again. I was soooo incredibly angry at them.
My opinion, is that no matter WHY a person tries to end their life, something has happened in their head to think there is no other way out. They need to be supported not left to fend for themselves. I spent days upon days at the hospital with him. First in the main hospital while he recovered and then in the psych ward while his mind was still in mass confusion.
I have to admit though, after a few days the anger set in for me. I was sooo angry at him for doing this to me. Why now? Why the night I was there? Was it because of me? I had so many questions and for the first time I could see why people said suicide is the coward's way out. I fact, that phrase 'Coward's way out', makes me confused. I totally think that way but then I remember those feelings, and it didn't feel cowardice at all - it felt relief to leave behind all the crap.
There are times when I think about that night with my then-boyfriend even now, when I feel little surges of anger that he did what he did - however, my anger is mixed with compassion bc clearly, I have been in that place - many times. For him, it was a cry for help, as he left a list of the medications he had taken - and to be honest, the dosages were not lethal at all. But it didn't stop the fact that he wanted out of this life. It didn't change the fact that he truly thought it was finished for him. It also didn't change the fact, that no matter how *I* felt, what was important was supporting HIM. Being there for HIM. And doing what HE needed in order to recover and move forward in his life. It's hard to stay angry at someone when you can see their point of view.
Now, I want to take you back to the top of this post. From the website link -
All Suicide IS Preventable.
It might not feel like it and it is definitely not an easy road, but there are always places you can go, people to reach out to, places where you will be listened too. You don't need to go down this road. It's an awful, bumpy, dark road that I wouldn't wish on anyone.
Find a counsellor/therapist; a psychologist; a pastor; a mentor; a trusted friend or even your GP. Tell them what is going on in your head. Make sure you don't leave without telling them you have these destructive thoughts. Visit websites, find online support groups (these literally kept me alive at times). Visit community health centres. There IS help available. It just takes a bit of work finding it.
If you are not the person who is feeling like ending your life, but someone who is affected bc of someone else - a 'suicide survivor', you will also have so so many thoughts and feelings that need to be processed in a healthy way - you too, need to see someone professionally. That doco I watched today said that people who are 'survivors' are 9 times more likely to die from suicide than the general population. That is pretty scary if you ask me.
So please, I implore you, if this post has touched you and made your heart beat faster bc it's about you, go find someone to talk too. Talk to ME if you have too. Leave a comment and a way I can find you. Comments on here don't go public without my permission so if you need to, leave your email address or Facebook name. Ill find you.
There was a movement started a few years ago - one that I am an avid supporter of: To Write Love On Her Arms (TWLOHA). This is what their facebook page says:
To Write Love On Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for those struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery.
And from their actual website:
The vision is that we actually believe these things…
You were created to love and be loved. You were meant to live life in relationship with other people, to know and be known. You need to know that your story is important and that you're part of a bigger story. You need to know that your life matters.
We live in a difficult world, a broken world. My friend Byron is very smart - he says that life is hard for most people most of the time. We believe that everyone can relate to pain, that all of us live with questions, and all of us get stuck in moments. You need to know that you're not alone in the places you feel stuck.
We all wake to the human condition. We wake to mystery and beauty but also to tragedy and loss. Millions of people live with problems of pain. Millions of homes are filled with questions – moments and seasons and cycles that come as thieves and aim to stay. We know that pain is very real. It is our privilege to suggest that hope is real, and that help is real.
You need to know that rescue is possible, that freedom is possible, that God is still in the business of redemption. We're seeing it happen. We're seeing lives change as people get the help they need. People sitting across from a counselor for the first time. People stepping into treatment. In desperate moments, people calling a suicide hotline. We know that the first step to recovery is the hardest to take. We want to say here that it's worth it, that your life is worth fighting for, that it's possible to change.
Beyond treatment, we believe that community is essential, that people need other people, that we were never meant to do life alone.
The vision is that community and hope and help would replace secrets and silence.
The vision is people putting down guns and blades and bottles.
The vision is that we can reduce the suicide rate in America and around the world.
The vision is that we would learn what it means to love our friends, and that we would love ourselves enough to get the help we need.
The vision is better endings. The vision is the restoration of broken families and broken relationships. The vision is people finding life, finding freedom, finding love. The vision is graduation, a Super Bowl, a wedding, a child, a sunrise. The vision is people becoming incredible parents, people breaking cycles, making change.
The vision is the possibility that your best days are ahead.
The vision is the possibility that we're more loved than we'll ever know.
The vision is hope, and hope is real.
You are not alone, and this is not the end of your story.
Facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/towriteloveonherarms/info
Website: http://www.twloha.com/
So the above picture is my TWLOHA effort for today. I placed the word LOVE over some of the scars on my wrist. In the very place, I tried to take my own life. Love really did replace that darkness with Hope.
On another Facebook event, we were encouraged to light a candle in the window in memory of those who have passed on, and those struggling with it now. The candle at the top and bottom of my post are the candles *I* lit. It was actually a healing thing for me to do, given all my 'experience' with suicide.
Lastly, I just wanted to share with you how I came out of my darkness.
It all lies in the word HOPE!
I honestly and truly believe that without hope life is dead anyway. I got my hope back from my heavenly Father. I was able to grasp hold of His hand when it got too hard by listening to the people He placed in my life. The wise people that supported me through my darkness. He helped me develop a support network of people that I couldn't trust, when I couldn't trust HIM!
I know there are probably many of you who don't share my faith but if you are struggling, I would urge you to give Jesus a go. Because it's through him that we have hope.
Lots of heartfelt love
L xo
Some other links for you to check out:
World Suicide Prevention Day 2012
http://www.wspd.org.au/
Out of the Shadows (Lifeline)
http://www.outoftheshadows.org.au
Self Injury: You Are Not the Only One
http://www.palace.net/llama/selfinjury/
Light a Candle FB page
http://www.facebook.com/events/216775405117051/220798328048092/?comment_id=220813171379941¬if_t=event_mall_reply
Sane Australia
http://www.sane.org/
