So, I’ve been reflecting lately on
something that really bothers me. I’ve noticed it mostly on fb but also a bit
in my real life.
But before I begin, let’s just assume that
I am well – Im balanced and doing ok. Bc when Im not well – when Mania takes
over…. Well, that’s SUCH a different story, lol
When talking to people, I often ask for
advice – not bc I am incapable of working something out on my own, but bc I
have a number of mental illnesses, I sometimes make unhealthy choices. I love to hear other people’s ideas and then
from all of that I process and make my own wise decisions. Sometimes it’s the
choice I would have made anyway, sometimes, hearing what others suggest helps a
lot.
Sometimes I ask for help bc I genuinely don’t
know but sometimes….. I just love to play devil’s advocate. I know full and
well the answer to something, but I’m actually asking bc I want YOU, the person
I ask, to be aware of something or to think on a deeper level.
However, I get the feeling more and more
than people think I’m just plain dumb! I’m dark haired but I DO have blonde
moments. I admit it, but I am not stupid.
The choices I make are very thought out; there is a definite reason behind what I have
chosen to do or not do. I don’t make decisions on a whim (unless I’m
manic), I am someone who overthinks EVERYthing.
I’m an analyser. I will look at something
from every possible angle, I will try to see every single perspective to
something and then, ONLY then, after considerable processing, will I make a
decision.
Let’s take the example of having Preston visit.
I know that there were quite a few on FB who thought I made a BAD decision
there BUT, what they don’t know is that I thought that out very carefully.
Not only did I spend days and weeks praying
for help to forgive this guy, but I believe I truly came to a space of peace
about it…. Bc I know better than ANY other person on this planet (apart from my twin) the needs of
my brother and the fact is, he really needs that friendship right now. I will
not divulge why he needs it bc it’s part of his story.
But…
·
I looked at the impact of
Preston being out of my life for good.
·
I looked at the impact that wud
have on Mike.
·
I looked at how Mike would feel
if I banned HIM from seeing P.
·
What wud Mike do to replace the
void this friendship leaves.
·
I thought about what it would
be like for Mike if I banned Preston from coming here.
·
I thought about how it wud be
for me if he DID come here.
·
I thought about what other
things Mike cud do to fill his time without that friendship.
·
I looked at how much time could
I handle seeing him for.
·
I considered things like his
lies – how would I cope with the continuous lying?
·
How would WE cope with his
mother butting her nose in and badmouthing us?
·
How would I go with Mike
constantly getting annoyed bc P won’t stop texting.
·
I considered the fact that Mike
doesn’t understand my feelings about P
I considered my mental list of pro’s and
con’s and THEN I made the decision that I needed to live in grace and
forgiveness and accept that Mike will NEVER understand my feelings towards his
best mate – not bc he is nasty – but bc he doesn’t have the capability to
understand it bc of his disability.
So I needed to get with the programme and accept
that there are things OUT of my
control and there are things IN my
control and how I respond to this guy is IN
my control.
I know there are many on FB – even strong
committed Christians (who really surprised me by their response to letting P
back here) who really do not like my decision and think the guys are pushing me
around.
But I’m here to say that they are not
bullying me into this, nor are they pressuring me. I made this choice after
careful analytical thought processes. I’m not happy with him being here a lot and
I have boundaries around his access to our home but I have made what I truly
believe to be a wise decision in my mind.
A very close friend of mine and I often
talk about “The Resounding YES” deep
down inside.
It’s basically deep down in ur gut; ur
conscience, ur instinct, ur conviction or what I believe is the Holy Spirit. Once
I made this decision, I got the resounding yes I was looking for.
That’s how I knew it was the right choice.
It was a choice that was almost OVER
thought out and it was with much disappointment when I saw so many dissing it.
But then I had to realise that none of these people realised the extent that I
had thought this out.
The
people that know me…. Really KNOW me, know that Im no ditz! They know that
yeah, I say and do silly stuff sometimes, but they know that when it’s serious,
Im a thinker.
And for those of you who DON’T know me that
well, just know that every decision I make is very definite. It’s very thought
out. I also acknowledge that you guys
out there who are not happy with my decision – you’re just looking out for me,
I know you care about me and that you have all seen me take a downward path
this year. I know ur words are coming out of fear for my health, and love and
concern for me and I honour you in that.
My ex (like so many others) used to think I
just sprouted whatever came out of my head. So not true. (Ok, it was true when I
was younger, but he didn’t know me then). I used to tell him that pretty much
everything I said had already been thought through and there was a pretty damn
good reason why I said what I said. Even in our arguments towards the end. I
knew exactly what I was saying. I knew what things would hurt him the most, I
knew what would build him up, I knew his response if I said certain things –
sometimes I believe I said those things to GET that response. (I’m highly ashamed
to admit all this, but I have to admit, I knew exactly what I was saying even
in anger.) Like I said, I’m a thinker.
Sometimes I ask questions to see the other
person’s reaction/behaviour to a particular thing in order for me to know the
next step. Sometimes it might be to play devil’s advocate. Sometimes I genuinely
don’t know the answer. Often it’s to educate or raise awareness of something I
know a lot about.
There are a myriad of reasons why I say and
do what I say and do – and nearly NONE of them are silly flimsy shallow
reasons.
My psychologist used to tell me a LOT that
I was very philosophical and extremely intelligent. On reflection, I do think
she is right, and I wish more people in my life saw me that way instead of the
way I think they perceive me (based on numerous comments I get on FB).
Im a deep deep thinker and there is nothing
I love more than a deep convo.
A lot of ppl think I talk a lot? Gee, if
ONLY you all knew how much I think in comparison to talking. You would be
STUNNED I tell you, lol.
I think a lot of it comes from years of
intense counselling – where they push you to look below the surface. It just so
happens that I LOVE using my brain this way. I LOVE to think about other perspectives.
That old saying “Walk a mile in someone
else’s shoes” couldn’t be more pertinent – as that is exactly what I do
when I’m processing. By looking at every perspective possible when thinking
through something, I really do put on as many different pairs of shoes as I
possibly can so I get a broader perspective of the bigger picture.
The other thing about counselling is that
they encourage you to ask for help. If you’re really stuck, swallow your pride
and don’t be ashamed to ask for help.
It took me a long time to learn this as
like most of us, I didn’t want to admit I needed help sometimes. But nowadays
it’s second nature to me. I guess that’s another reason why people think I’m
dumb? Bc I DO ask for help when I need it as opposed to the majority of our
population who tries to get by on their own. It’s a learnt behaviour and sadly,
I truly think that most people think it means I’m not capable of doing things
myself. I’m certain that if EVERYone asked for help when they needed it, I wouldn’t
be feeling so patronised.
This
is also a BIG clue to you out there as to my mental state of mind. If I start
asking for help – it usually means I can see warning signs of my health
deteriorating.
Like earlier this year. Even back in January,
I could see tiny alarm bells. I told significant ‘leaders’ in my life – ppl in
authority, and none of them believed me. They would brush me off with “oh, but
you have been so well” or “oh you’re
just imagining it” and it got to the point where in May I was hospitalised bc
those people in authority and leadership in my life refused to really listen
I’m a big believer in the BIG PICTURE!
I love taking one small thing and looking
at it from the Big Picture point of view. How will that one small thing impact
others in the big picture? In the grand scheme of things? That’s why I
encourage ppl to look at every perspective possible. Bc if u only look at it
from ur own headspace, ur not thinking about the big picture. And when u
imagine the bigger canvas that is life, sometimes, that small thing can impact
SOOO many others that you might not have thought of when looking at it from ur
little corner of the world.
I also believe that looking at the bigger
picture when making decisions and choices gives you a much wiser view of the
problem.
So these are just my thoughts. Please stop
and realise Im a lot smarter than most give me credit for. Understand that when
I ask a question, there may be more to it than ‘stupid dumb Linda asking advice
again!”
I hope u got something out of this, bc it
was great therapy for me to write it.
Love
L xo
