Secret Silent Killers

It will be a week tomorrow since Australia woke up to the news that Robin Williams had died. And not only died, but committed suicide. When I saw it come up in my newsfeed on FB, I was utterly shocked; one of the funniest people in the world, dead? And from suicide?

How completely heartbreaking.

I went through half the day in a daze. Robin Williams, famous for Mork and Mindy, Mrs Doubtfire, Good Morning Vietnam, and my absolutely favourite work of his, Dead Poet’s Society. (Yes, I can still say that entire movie off by heart.) How could this be?

I remember thinking “Please don’t be drugs, please don’t be drugs” as I read the first news article because I think I’ve become desensitized a bit to celebrity deaths as a result of overdoses. However, when I heard he had committed suicide and that was part of his depression, I felt so sad but also a bit of a kinship with this lost funny man.

I felt I could see into his mind and while not knowing ANY of the details, I felt I have shared in the overwhelming emotions that he must have gone through in those final days: Despair, hopelessness, foggy haze, a will to give up.

How do I know these things? Bc I have been there – and thankfully not succeeded in my mission to end my life. Sadly, Robin Williams did succeed and while we are left with a wonderful funny legacy on film, I think that what Robin Williams unknowingly left behind was also an awareness of how easily we can misread people; and how hard people work to show the world that everything is ok… when it’s just… NOT!

Why do we – collectively, think that we simply must hide our true feelings? WHY must we wear masks every day instead of being real and transparent with those who we love?

I think about Robin Williams and think about what he was most known for: His comedy. His comedy became a mask to the world but I truly hope that he had people that he didn’t need to wear that mask around.

It’s so sad when you feel you have no choice but to pretend to be ok. That by wearing a mask you are helping the people around you feel not so uncomfortable. The mask can hinder us towards recovery but it can also protect us.

I remember when I was so severely sick with depression in my 20’s. The psych nurses and doctors thought I’d never come out of such a deep depression. They said to me later, they had never seen someone so severely depressed and they were all certain I would end my life – it was just a matter of when. I never wore my mask around them. They were safe people. I could be real when I was in hospital, even as a day patient.

But when you go about your daily life, at the shops, at appointments, at church, you feel like you have no choice but to wear that mask bc you have seen people shy away from you. You see the look on their faces when you walk in the door. It’s a look of “Oh, great, she’s here… we’re obligated to speak to her but I never know wot to say”. You see the expression on their face change as you turn your direction away from them. They let out an obvious sigh of relief. 

Meanwhile, you curl up figuratively into a tiny tiny ball inside your own head bc you know they can’t bear to have yet another one-sided conversation with you. And while you are in that curled up little ball, you find the right mask to wear that tells them you are ok. You’re fine. You’re having a good day in fact.

And when they hear that, their whole demeanor changes and they suddenly become friendly and inviting again. And in this whole production, you are putting them at ease (you’re as tense as a block of wood), letting them think that their platitudes are helping (inside you’re screaming), you nod and act interested (when can I leave? When can I leave?) – All to protect the ones you love…. And yourself.

You wear your mask to protect those around you from… you! I used to hate the thought of the people I loved being forced out of obligation to talk to me bc I could see how much work it took them and the end result was never what they wanted. So I’d wear the masks – when I could (sometimes I was too sick to even do that) and let my loved ones think that life was ok, it was starting to look up.

But you wear the mask to protect you from them too – so that you don’t have to see the pity or the helplessness in their eyes because they know that nothing they do will really help.

And you know what? Sometimes it’s perfectly ok to wear a mask – when you go to the shops for example. No check out chick really wants to know all your dramas, and do you really want to spill ur guts to some random? No. So, you choose a mask and put it on while you’re out running errands.

I see these masks as secret silent killers. You don't know they are there unless you yourself are wearing them and you are not usually too open about talking about these masks and yet they can lead someone down the path of suicide.

But in order for the masks to really help you, you need to know when you can take them off again. THIS is the most important part and this is what will lead you to a measure of recovery.You need to be able to find some trust that there are people with whom you can be really you with. It might be a doctor, a psychologist, a pastor, a counsellor, a friend.  But you need to get real about your health, ur mind and your direction with someone.

I was so blessed that I had a really strong support network back in the darkest days of my depression. There were people I could be around that just let me be in the emotion – in the dark, in the hopelessness, in the haze. They didn’t pressure me. They definitely talked with me. They kept me accountable; they taught me a lot about myself and being transparent with who I am. And because I left my masks at the door and willingly took on the support they gave me, I was able to find a new Linda underneath all the crap that the abuse, the abandonment and the rejection had made me to be.

Nowdays I still struggle with depression – but it’s an entirely different thing to that 5 year dark period of my life. It’s different bc God healed me from that and He promised me I’d never have it like that again. And I haven’t. I know that might sound a bit airy fairy to some of you, but God really did a major healing in my life there.

I also see some people so so close to me struggle with depression. I think it hurts me more to see those I love in the midst of it than it does for ME to be in it.

If you have loved ones that are depressed and you’re worries about if they are suicidal or not there are a few key things to look out for.

• If they begin to talk about death or dying. Even phrases like “I wish I was dead” can mean a lot given the context.
• If your loved one is talking a lot about suicide, they may attempt, but it will more likely be a halfhearted attempt -and is generally more a cry for help.
• If your loved one suddenly STOPS talking about suicide, that is a biggie. You will find that when you are most serious about it, you don’t tell ANYone. I have a post on here (http://reflectionsofasunflower.blogspot.com.au/2012/09/my-twloha-story.html) that talks more about suicide itself.
• If the person has lost all hope.

I truly believe that a person comes to a place of wanting to commit suicide when they have no hope left.  When I lost my hope, my entire world became as black as black. It took many people and myself a lot of hard work to find the hope again. Help your friend find hope.

Do u have kids that your loved one loves? Give them a photo of your kids and tell them to hold it every time they wanted to die.  A friend did that to me and I can tell you, sometimes that photo was the ONLY thing that kept me hanging on to my life. My friend would say “Imagine how I could possibly tell them you had died bc you didn’t want to live anymore.” Or “what would I tell them? They would be heartbroken” The children were little at the time and I knew that they would not be able to comprehend suicide. I sometimes held on purely bc of the thought of my passing, scarring their little souls. 

I could talk so much more about suicide. I could repeat stories already shared, but what I desperately want you to come away from reading this with, is that while masks can be somewhat helpful at times, they generally do not aid someone to live a full and healthy life.

I implore you, if you, or those around you wear masks a lot, look at the why. Why do you wear them? Around who? Is there anyone you don’t need to wear a mask around? Can u be truly you with some people?

If you can, spend more time with those you can be real and transparent around. They will build you up, encourage you, affirm you, hold your hand through the darkness that is depression and hopelessness. Don’t let go of that hand. Just have faith that even if you can’t see the way ahead, if you hold tight, and be real, you will make it through the stormy dark clouds of hopelessness and find your true self standing in the sunshine of recovery.

In honour of Robin Williams and bc I am so passionate about being real and NOT wearing the masks, I made an art journal page to go along with this post.

Check it out below.

Love L xo

TWINning at Birthdays!

So tonight I wanna write about being a twin, and how much I adore my dear twin brother.

Just this last Monday past (28th July) my best friend and I turned the big 3.9.!

It's so scary bc both of us certainly don’t feel a year off of 40. Whaaaaaaat FORTY you say???? NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

Granted, my body often feels like it's 80 but our minds and interests are still so young!

Here is Mike holding up one of his pressies. He loved them all.

So what is it like having a twin? What are the awesome things and what are the pitfalls?

From my own experience being a twin has been a comforting thing.

I love that there is another person who has been through all the crap with me. We had an extremely traumatic childhood and knowing that my twin was there every step of the way is truly a gift as only he knows how painful things were. I hate that he had to go through it but at least we both are glad the other one was there all the time.

I remember some birthdays when I wished it was just me – but now when I think back, I wonder how could I have possibly wanted a birthday all to myself?

Speaking of birthdays, when we turned 16 I will never forget (and pay him out endlessly bc of it) that Mike was so excited by his own birthday that he completely forgot it was also mine. At the time we went to different schools and his taxi came all the way out to the farm to pick him up every morning at 7.30am.

He was so excited “Gimme my present, gimme my present” he said to me…. And after opening it had to run out to the taxi. I remember our mum asking me what was wrong when she saw my apparent upset face. So when he got home from school that day (later than me), she asked him

“Hey Mike, did u forget who’s birthday it is today too?”

The poor guy felt so bad I laugh about it. Lol  And it’s not actually like he forgot proper – he had a present for me and stuff.

There has only been one year when we couldn’t be together on our birthday (that I recall) and it was awful for me. I absolutely hated not doing something with my twin. Of course we talked on the phone but it was a dark day for me. Normally, before we shared house, Mike would come spend the weekend with me and it would always be a couple of days of birthday fun.

As adults, I have always made our birthday about Mike – bc to be honest, I am not that fussed about my birthday. I do enjoy getting greetings from people but I’m happy with that. Mike however, LOVES his birthday. I guess that’s where he is still like a big kid (bc of his disability). He can’t understand why we can’t have a party every year. So I try to make it something special. And bc there is only the two of us, I usually get him a few presents so he doesn’t feel like he missed out. Sometimes I think it’s so unfair and cruel that he misses out on the rest of his family especially at times like birthdays.

This year, we went to visit Krispy Kremes and had a fun hang out time there. We had planned to see a movie too but in the end were too tired so came home like ole grandma and grandpa, lol.

A few years ago, when we were in touch with our sister, she gave me a surprise birthday party. It was so beautiful – pretty much all my favourite special people were there… but my brother. Her intention was to let me have a birthday instead of making it all about Mike. It was such a lovely thing for her to do – but as a twin, I couldn’t help feel part of me was betraying my brother as he really should have been there with me so once I got over the shock of the surprise, there was a little corner of my heart that was crying.

But something else you might not know about twins and birthdays – it’s so so hard when you get birthday cards and lots of greetings (bc you know so many people) but your twin doesn’t get included. Personally, I’d rather he get them all but when I get a card in the mail and he is not included, the guilt that I feel is overwhelming. But how can I expect my friends to understand how it breaks my heart seeing the sad look on his face when there is nothing for him?

I think that’s something that people don’t realize. Bc we almost see the other twin as part of ourselves – or maybe just bc Mike and I are so close and so in tune with each other’s feelings, we do tend to feel a lot of guilt if one gets stuff that the other doesn’t. Maybe guilt is the wrong word…. I dunno, but it does feel like a knife going in seeing the other one sad.

Even right down to little things like cards. Or if Mike buys something for himself, he will show me but then always say “I feel bad for you, that you don’t have it”. I feel the same. It’s so weird, but kinda cool, altho the guilt part of it can hinder things.

People often ask if we have that telepathic thing going on. The answer is NO. They ask if we feel or know if the other is happy or sad. The answer is NO.

We are fraternal twins – that means that we were created from two separate eggs – just fertilized at the same time. We shared a womb yes, but fraternal twins (can be both sexes or same sex) are technically just like any brother and sister. I guess for Mike and I tho, we have shared so much and always been together that we are so close.

This photo was from the FMS PAD challenge. A lot of ppl get creeped out by it but I like it. lol.

Believe it or not, I have been asked if we are identical twins – even after I’ve told someone my twin is a brother. I usually repeat “He is my BROTHER” with a smile and then going on to explain it’s impossible to have boy and girl twins identical. (Mind you, I have seen boy/girl twins almost identical looking – their faces I mean, and some people say Mike and I look very very similar – I don’t think so tho).

Identical twins were created from the same egg – so while they share a womb, they also share the same sack and bc they came from the same egg, that is why identical twins often look the same, have the same characteristics, mannerisms, voice, etc.

It’s identical twins who usually ‘feel’ or ‘know’ if the other is in pain or happy etc. Having said that however, even though Mike and I don’t have that telepathic thing going on, when we can see the other in pain? It’s like a knife going through our bellies. It probably hurts more than if the bad thing were happening to us not our twin.

A joke I kinda like to play on people who might not know me that well – or who only know me and not Mike is Ill tell them “It’s my twin’s birthday” and they are like “Oooooh tell him we said happy birthday” or “This is my brother, it’s his birthday today” and then later, the person will click that hey, if he is my twin, it’s also mine. It’s pretty funny seeing people email or text later, hehehe!

But truthfully, in our perfect world, Mike and I would love others to remember the other twin no matter what. 

Well, I've probably rambled on enough for tonight. I could write sooo much more about being a twin so Ill save it for later.

Thanks for all the birthday love!

L xo

 Rockin it 80's style!!!!

Processing the Misunderstood Me!

So, I’ve been reflecting lately on something that really bothers me. I’ve noticed it mostly on fb but also a bit in my real life.

But before I begin, let’s just assume that I am well – Im balanced and doing ok. Bc when Im not well – when Mania takes over…. Well, that’s SUCH a different story, lol

When talking to people, I often ask for advice – not bc I am incapable of working something out on my own, but bc I have a number of mental illnesses, I sometimes make unhealthy choices.  I love to hear other people’s ideas and then from all of that I process and make my own wise decisions. Sometimes it’s the choice I would have made anyway, sometimes, hearing what others suggest helps a lot.

Sometimes I ask for help bc I genuinely don’t know but sometimes….. I just love to play devil’s advocate. I know full and well the answer to something, but I’m actually asking bc I want YOU, the person I ask, to be aware of something or to think on a deeper level.

However, I get the feeling more and more than people think I’m just plain dumb! I’m dark haired but I DO have blonde moments. I admit it, but I am not stupid.

The choices I make are very thought out; there is a definite reason behind what I have chosen to do or not do. I don’t make decisions on a whim (unless I’m manic), I am someone who overthinks EVERYthing.

I’m an analyser. I will look at something from every possible angle, I will try to see every single perspective to something and then, ONLY then, after considerable processing, will I make a decision.

Let’s take the example of having Preston visit. I know that there were quite a few on FB who thought I made a BAD decision there BUT, what they don’t know is that I thought that out very carefully.

Not only did I spend days and weeks praying for help to forgive this guy, but I believe I truly came to a space of peace about it…. Bc I know better than ANY other person on this planet (apart from my twin) the needs of my brother and the fact is, he really needs that friendship right now. I will not divulge why he needs it bc it’s part of his story.

But…

·         I looked at the impact of Preston being out of my life for good.

·         I looked at the impact that wud have on Mike.

·         I looked at how Mike would feel if I banned HIM from seeing P.

·         What wud Mike do to replace the void this friendship leaves.

·         I thought about what it would be like for Mike if I banned Preston from coming here.

·         I thought about how it wud be for me if he DID come here.

·         I thought about what other things Mike cud do to fill his time without that friendship.

·         I looked at how much time could I handle seeing him for.

·         I considered things like his lies – how would I cope with the continuous lying?

·         How would WE cope with his mother butting her nose in and badmouthing us?

·         How would I go with Mike constantly getting annoyed bc P won’t stop texting.

·         I considered the fact that Mike doesn’t understand my feelings about P

I considered my mental list of pro’s and con’s and THEN I made the decision that I needed to live in grace and forgiveness and accept that Mike will NEVER understand my feelings towards his best mate – not bc he is nasty – but bc he doesn’t have the capability to understand it bc of his disability.

So I needed to get with the programme and accept that there are things OUT of my control and there are things IN my control and how I respond to this guy is IN my control.

I know there are many on FB – even strong committed Christians (who really surprised me by their response to letting P back here) who really do not like my decision and think the guys are pushing me around.

But I’m here to say that they are not bullying me into this, nor are they pressuring me. I made this choice after careful analytical thought processes. I’m not happy with him being here a lot and I have boundaries around his access to our home but I have made what I truly believe to be a wise decision in my mind.

A very close friend of mine and I often talk about “The Resounding YES” deep down inside.

It’s basically deep down in ur gut; ur conscience, ur instinct, ur conviction or what I believe is the Holy Spirit. Once I made this decision, I got the resounding yes I was looking for.

That’s how I knew it was the right choice.

It was a choice that was almost OVER thought out and it was with much disappointment when I saw so many dissing it. But then I had to realise that none of these people realised the extent that I had thought this out.

The people that know me…. Really KNOW me, know that Im no ditz! They know that yeah, I say and do silly stuff sometimes, but they know that when it’s serious, Im a thinker.

And for those of you who DON’T know me that well, just know that every decision I make is very definite. It’s very thought out.  I also acknowledge that you guys out there who are not happy with my decision – you’re just looking out for me, I know you care about me and that you have all seen me take a downward path this year. I know ur words are coming out of fear for my health, and love and concern for me and I honour you in that.

My ex (like so many others) used to think I just sprouted whatever came out of my head. So not true. (Ok, it was true when I was younger, but he didn’t know me then). I used to tell him that pretty much everything I said had already been thought through and there was a pretty damn good reason why I said what I said. Even in our arguments towards the end. I knew exactly what I was saying. I knew what things would hurt him the most, I knew what would build him up, I knew his response if I said certain things – sometimes I believe I said those things to GET that response. (I’m highly ashamed to admit all this, but I have to admit, I knew exactly what I was saying even in anger.) Like I said, I’m a thinker.

Sometimes I ask questions to see the other person’s reaction/behaviour to a particular thing in order for me to know the next step. Sometimes it might be to play devil’s advocate. Sometimes I genuinely don’t know the answer. Often it’s to educate or raise awareness of something I know a lot about.

There are a myriad of reasons why I say and do what I say and do – and nearly NONE of them are silly flimsy shallow reasons.

My psychologist used to tell me a LOT that I was very philosophical and extremely intelligent. On reflection, I do think she is right, and I wish more people in my life saw me that way instead of the way I think they perceive me (based on numerous comments I get on FB).

Im a deep deep thinker and there is nothing I love more than a deep convo.

A lot of ppl think I talk a lot? Gee, if ONLY you all knew how much I think in comparison to talking. You would be STUNNED I tell you, lol.

I think a lot of it comes from years of intense counselling – where they push you to look below the surface. It just so happens that I LOVE using my brain this way. I LOVE to think about other perspectives. That old saying “Walk a mile in someone else’s shoes” couldn’t be more pertinent – as that is exactly what I do when I’m processing. By looking at every perspective possible when thinking through something, I really do put on as many different pairs of shoes as I possibly can so I get a broader perspective of the bigger picture.

The other thing about counselling is that they encourage you to ask for help. If you’re really stuck, swallow your pride and don’t be ashamed to ask for help.

It took me a long time to learn this as like most of us, I didn’t want to admit I needed help sometimes. But nowadays it’s second nature to me. I guess that’s another reason why people think I’m dumb? Bc I DO ask for help when I need it as opposed to the majority of our population who tries to get by on their own. It’s a learnt behaviour and sadly, I truly think that most people think it means I’m not capable of doing things myself. I’m certain that if EVERYone asked for help when they needed it, I wouldn’t be feeling so patronised.

This is also a BIG clue to you out there as to my mental state of mind. If I start asking for help – it usually means I can see warning signs of my health deteriorating.

Like earlier this year. Even back in January, I could see tiny alarm bells. I told significant ‘leaders’ in my life – ppl in authority, and none of them believed me. They would brush me off with “oh, but you have been so well” or “oh you’re just imagining it” and it got to the point where in May I was hospitalised bc those people in authority and leadership in my life refused to really listen

I’m a big believer in the BIG PICTURE!

I love taking one small thing and looking at it from the Big Picture point of view. How will that one small thing impact others in the big picture? In the grand scheme of things? That’s why I encourage ppl to look at every perspective possible. Bc if u only look at it from ur own headspace, ur not thinking about the big picture. And when u imagine the bigger canvas that is life, sometimes, that small thing can impact SOOO many others that you might not have thought of when looking at it from ur little corner of the world.

I also believe that looking at the bigger picture when making decisions and choices gives you a much wiser view of the problem.

So these are just my thoughts. Please stop and realise Im a lot smarter than most give me credit for. Understand that when I ask a question, there may be more to it than ‘stupid dumb Linda asking advice again!”

I hope u got something out of this, bc it was great therapy for me to write it.

Love

L xo

I Got da Creative in Me!

So, I thought it was time I wrote another overdue post.

We have had a houseful the last few days. It’s been sweet tho bc my brother has a new girlfriend and she is so lovely. So not only has she been here, but so has Preston and his gf... and Preston has cooked tea for each EVERY single night. I feel spoilt -. Talk about a houseful.

And in amongst all that and also for the last almost 4 weeks, I’ve had the most erratic sleeping patterns that I’ve ever had. I know I’m an insomniac but this is outa control.

Bc of the lack of sleep – or sleep at the wrong times, I’ve tried to keep my mind and body busy with creative stuff which has been unsuccessful…. But one thing it has led me to think of is how blessed I am in this area.

While trying to be creative, I would sit down at my craft table to scrap something, only to find, it just hasn’t been working. So I thought I’d do some art journaling. Nuh! Not in the mood. How about some photography? Mmmm… no!

Well, what DO I feel like? Maybe I could write some more of my memoirs? Tried that, got nowhere. Or how about I practice my face painting? Can’t find my face paints.

Well maybe I can practice my drawing? I definitely haven’t mastered that yet….. Buuuut not in the mood. Or how about make some jewelry? But that hurts my hands so nah!

Hmph! WHY is nothing catching my interest? It’s rare that something creative doesn’t suck me in…. and as I went through the list of creative hobbies I do, I realized that it’s quite a list:

Scrapbooking

Mixed Media/Art Journaling

Zentangle doodles

Smash Booking

Drawing/Sketching

Photography

Writing

Jewelry Making/Beading

Photography

Digital Photo Editing

Face Painting

Wow, that really IS a list to be mighty proud of!

Why do I have so many interests? It’s not that I get bored or can’t do these things. But I am someone who thrives on challenge. Someone asked me recently if I still do scrapbooking – if I even *like* scrapbooking anymore. My answer was I still loved scrapping but it’s not a huge challenge for me anymore. (Mind you, I think the fact I have used so much of my supplies and can’t replenish them atm accounts for my lack of scrapping and art journaling).

But for me, my mind NEEDS to be engaged in something that is moderately challenging for me.

I’m a sponge. I love to learn. I NEED the challenge. I THRIVE on the challenge.

Most of the creative things I’ve done are self-taught/youtube-taught like my face painting for example. I try to teach my brother that you can achieve most things – it might take some money, but you can learn almost anything. You just need to do ur research. And the resources God puts in ur life – like people, shops, classes etc. The scrap/mixed media stuff I learnt from Youtube and Paper Flourish – the wonderful shop most of you know I rave about.

My latest challenging thing is to draw. It’s something that I just couldn’t do in high school even tho my year 12 art teacher forced me to do two terms of it, sitting in his office drawing my face over and over. I know every single feature of my face now days, lol. It hasn’t changed, only got rounder, lol.

So I was keen to reattempt drawing 20 years (oh my, THAT many years???) down the track when fellow scrapper/artist Janine Kozwara (of Prima fame) introduced me to Jamie Lynn Dougherty and her Bloom Girls.  So thus begins another love affair. I’ll never be as good as Jamie and I truly think that this might be my first arty thing that I will never master, but at least it’s something I can still strive for and practice. And it’s fun to do so.

So, you can see that even in the midst of a creative downspot, and much sleeplessness, I still got to learn something positive about myself and found that I actually have been richly blessed in creative artsy-ness and even tho I might not sell my work or have it recognized the world wide over, I’m so super glad to call myself an artist.

Love yas

L xoxo

PS Here are some examples of some of my arty work. I cant exactly include my writing here - as I hope to one day get some published. But I hope u enjoy the pics - even if you HAVE seen them on FB already, lol.

Scrap Layouts

 Canvases

 Art Journalling

My Social Justice Soapbox

So, tonight on Fb I was invited to take a survey for a friend of mine as part of his year 12 research assignment. He was asking some questions about western society and Christianity. It really made me think and so I decided I’d write a post on my thoughts about it here.

I am half expecting to get slammed by this but please, please understand; these are musings and thoughts that haven’t quite reached a conclusion. Or maybe they have.

Ill begin by letting you know that I have studied a number of courses in the community service field – Cert 3 in Community Work, Cert 4 in Family Support Work, and part way through a Social Work degree (which I really MUST finish). Apart from all of that, I have had years upon years of therapy, attending various groups for people with Borderline Personality Disorder, Child Sexual Abuse, and on and on.

What do you think was the one main thing that all of these places promoted above all else?

Inclusion! Tolerance! Acceptance! No Judgement!

It sounds great doesn’t it? It really does, but it created massive problems for me and a warring debate inside my head that has never truly found a happy medium.

I became a Christian at 5 years old. I was baptised a year later at my begging and ever since, my greatest love has been my Holy Father, his Son Jesus and the Holy Spirit.

So, tolerance, acceptance, God – they go together, right? In some respects, yes they do. But in other ways, they definitely do NOT.

The one thing that I have really really struggled with is that I am someone who by nature is very open. I’ll talk to anyone unless I can discern something spiritually that says the person is really not good for me.  I am someone who doesn’t like to let things get in the way of friendships. I’m happy to be friends with anyone of different religions; different races; different orientations, different football teams (except Port Power…. Nah, jokes). It’s not something that enters my head when I make friends. I don’t have a ‘type’ of friend the way some have a ‘type’ of romantic partner. I believe in accepting people as they are. I believe that we can learn so much from other people who look different, who believe differently to me, who live differently.

Thus, I guess I’ve always had a lot of friends. You can almost guarantee that I will know someone no matter where I go. It’s cool like that.

But…!

How does this view of tolerance, acceptance and inclusion work when you believe with your whole heart that God is The Way? The God who died upon the cross and rose again for each and every one of us?

God clearly states in HIS text book aka The Holy Bible, that certain things are just not right. We should NOT accept homosexuality. We should NOT accept other religions; we should NOT tolerate things like porn, domestic violence, child abuse, war, paedophilia etc.

He clearly states that these behaviours and actions are against Him. There is no question.

And yet, everywhere we go we are taught to tolerate all of the above. Not only tolerate, but embrace the differences. In terms of crime, we are taught to be tolerant of the criminal who has had rehabilitation. To give them a chance to show they have changed. Actually, anyone who has had any type of rehab should be tolerated and accepted back into the community with open arms regardless of anything.

It’s so confusing. Especially when I see so many Christians embrace the latest Christian ‘fad’ (in my opinion) of Social Justice.

Social Justice in itself is great. Having a social conscience and trying to right the wrongs in this world, I’m all for it.

I was passionate about it before it became the latest big ‘thing’. I guess, always being in a minority (foster care, aboriginal, disability) I have always had a heart for others. I remember as a kid, our pastor used to bring refugees to our church as he worked with them. Again, this was before the whole refugee thing was well known. So suddenly, when the plight of refugees was plastered all over the news and all the Gen Y’ers were ranting and raving about it, my thought was: “And? It’s been going on for years; this is NOT as new issue.”

Gen Y seems to think that they are the first to ever have a bleeding heart for the marginalised. A LOT of the Gen Y people I know, seem to act like they were the first to ever want to make a difference… but why do you think I even have this blog? Yes, it’s an outlet for me to get my thoughts out, but mostly, I use it as a voice for raising awareness of metal health issues and other social justice issues that affect me… but mainly mental health.

The thing is though, and I have seen this in numerous churches – their form of social justice involves going on mission trips to third world countries. They might be going for a few days or weeks. They might do some service in the communities they visit. They will come home wide eyed and changed in themselves. It’s been a brilliant experience for them. But what about the people left behind?

There is a couple from my church atm who are doing an indefinite stay in Bali. I really admire that. THAT is social justice in action. My current church also sends groups over there to work in the community every single year, creating a relationship with the people of Bali and working with them not for them in making their community a better place to be. It’s more than just going there, causing a stir and coming home feeling accomplished.

I know quite a number of Gen Y’ers who study international studies and then what do they even do with that?

And another thing: why do people always have to go overseas to be involved in social justice? Yes, there are a lot of third world countries that need the help and support, but while everyone is going there, the people in our own first world countries are suffering third world conditions and no one pays them any mind bc after all, they live in a first world country. Do people forget that even here in first world Australia, we have third world living conditions for the indigenous remote communities? I have been to communities where people are still living in humpies on the dirt. I have done my own mission trips with churches to remote areas. I have also lived on an island in Arnhem Land and been part of a remote community.

And what about the homeless people in our parks and streets? One thing I love about my church is that they don’t expect the homeless, the hungry, and the tired, to come to the suburban church. No, ‘we’ (and I say that collectively becasue I did go numerous times) go to where the homeless are and feed them there. What an honour that is. Unfortunately, it’s not an activity I could sustain due to weather conditions and my health. But I am so proud of that ministry.

So, I’ve talked about church groups etc. doing mission and outreach (mission from my understanding, is going out of your community to reach others for God, outreach is doing the same thing in your own community).

I know there are hundreds of organisations and agencies who are not based in Christianity who do the same.

But Christian and non-Christian, they all ‘preach’ the same level of tolerance and acceptance.

I beg you, every Christian person who reads this, answer this question in the comments section please….

How do u juggle society’s mission of inclusion for all, with God’s decrees of the biblical way to live?

Because the two do not always go hand in hand.

My answer is somewhat like this, although I’m still figuring it all out:

I’ll use homosexuality as the issue. I have a number of gay friends, they aren’t in my immediate circle of close friends, but they are in my life. I love them; I learn from them, they are just friends like all my ‘straight’ friends are.

However, I do not believe in homosexual relationships. As a good Christian girl, I believe it is something that is completely against what God created sex etc for.

I don’t judge those friends of mine – you might wonder how given I don’t believe in it. I guess it’s something I don’t want to hear about. I think that every person has free choice, free will and they can choose the actions and behaviours they take. I just don’t like it shoved in my face. Im not gonna diss the friends of mine who might be gay. They don’t need that crap in their face! But I don’t want to know the details about the romantic relationship if there is one.

The thing is, if I had gay friends who were getting married, while I don’t agree with it, I would go and attend the ceremony, not because I condone the idea of gay marriage, but because I love the person/people getting married and I would be truly happy for them.

I’m against gay marriage tho because it is completely against what God created man and wife to be. I would be utterly sad if it is approved in our country because I believe it is yet another step away from God’s Word and his laws for human kind.

So I suppose when it all boils down, I would support the person but not the action – whatever that action may be. So, maybe Im being inclusive and accepting of the people, but being Godly in my judgement of the behaviours????

And on that note, my medication has kicked in and I must be off to bed. I really hope this post makes sense. It’s hard when it’s still a bit of a jumble inside my head.

L xo

Anxiety Spangxiety

Lately I have seen a number of people on my Facebook really struggling with anxiety so I wanted to write a blog post on it. Explain what it is, how to recognise it and some ideas and strategies of dealing with it.

Anxiety can be its own disorder or it can be part of any number of disorders – like depression for example. But there are also a whole family of illnesses that are anxiety based – the granddaddy of them being Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).

OCD

For example, I have OCD and it affects me in a number of ways – firstly, I have a fear of contamination. I struggle to touch things like bins, raw meat, animals and anything to do with body fluids. So lucky I have Mike living with me to do the bins every week – and he gives extra love to the cats and looks after their food and litter bc they are my biiiig struggles. When this type of my OCD flares up I tend to wash my hands, arms - whatever touched the ‘contaminate’ over and over. I’ve got it down to one good wash a time now but there was a time when my skin wud be really effected by the amount of hand washing I did. For this kind of OCD I have had to undergo a lot of very uncomfortable exposure therapy – not fun, but it works.

And every time I have thoughts of avoidance nowadays, I force myself to pick up the cat and cuddle it, then I force myself to wait as long as I can before I wash my hands – the longest I can go is between half an hour and 45 minutes. Avoidance with contamination issues just makes it bigger and badder. Constantly challenging those thoughts is what brings you to recovery.

Another way I am affected by anxiety in my OCD is when I am really stressed I tend to pick at my face – something I am currently struggling with. Gouging holes in my face and picking at it is NOT a good way to deal with stress and anxiety but atm I’m a bit stuck. Face picking is also something I have never really talked about to anyone before but it is definitely part of the OCD. It even has its own name: Dermatillomania, or Compulsive Skin Picking (CSP). I actually finally ‘fessed up to a professional about it only today: It was a big relief and they are now getting help for me with this problem I’ve had the whole of my life (well, since I was about 14).

I am also a counter – I count everything. Even when I know the number of things isn’t gonna change. Like, I will sit in church and count all the members of a family. There might be five and I know there is only five in that family, but I have to keep counting, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 over and over. It’s weird. My old psychologist once told me that what makes it OCD is that you’re checking to make sure it’s still the same instead of accepting, yes; there are five people in that family and leaving it (or like someone who has to repeatedly check the oven is off or the door locked or the hair straightener being left on). I will count how many lines on a verse of a song when it’s up on the screen, how many wheels on the truck next to me, how many louvers in the air vents, how many air vents, how many lights on the ceiling etc. The counting just goes on and on and on.

As part of my counting – or maybe it goes hand in hand with it, is that I also measure distances and times aaaall the time. I will measure the distance and time to EVERYwhere I go even when I know it hasn’t changed since the last time I went; I love clocks for these reasons too.

The last way that OCD cud affect me is through hoarding – something that my birth mother struggles with a lot and something that I definitely have tendencies towards. You see the Hoarding tv shows? Yup, that’s my mother but she is getting help for it and that’s great. I keep it in check by watching said tv shows and being reminded of my CBT bc they also use the concepts on those shows.

All of the above are different aspects of OCD and not just anxiety. Ive had quite a few laypeople doubt my OCD bc I don’t talk about it much – but you can see here that yep, I sure have it in leaps and bounds.

Anyway, I have a few strategies I wanna share with you – not all related to OCD but to anxiety in general (unless specified).

So before I start - where do I get my knowledge of this stuff? I have done intensive CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) and twice done a DBT (Dialectical Behavioural Therapy) 6 month course plus years of experience as both client and a professional in the mental health field – so I reckon I’m qualified to give some strategies ….

The first thing I want you know about anxiety is what it can feel like.

When you get an anxiety attack take note of what your body is telling you;

•         Is your heart beating faster?
•         Do u feel hot or flushed all over?
•         You may feel nausea or dizziness
•         Do u feel like you are having a heart attack – is your chest tight and in pain?
•         Are you irritable?
•         Tired?
•         Confused – fuzzy in ur mind?
•         Have trouble concentrating?
•       Get sweaty clammy hands?
•       Tense muscles?
•       Dry mouth?
•       Shakey limbs?
•        Is there a lump in your throat you cant get rid of?
•        Are you running to the toilet a lot?
•       Does the idea of socializing (or even leaving the house) make u freeze up?
•        Is everything all too much to cope with?

These are all signs that you are leading up to or in an anxiety/panic attack; or not even an attack but u may just have generalized anxiety. Listening to your body is so important bc it allows you to (over time) catch the anxiety before it reaches its peak, then you can do something about it and possibly even avoid a full blown anxiety/panic attack altogether.

***Just a note here – I mentioned that it can feel like a heart attack?

That is so so true. I have been admitted into emergency more than once thinking I was having a heart attack and remained unconvinced even with the evidence in front of my eyes (the readouts from scans) bc I honestly believed the pain in my chest couldn’t be anything but a heart attack (and I have heart diease in my family). If you are prone to anxiety and/or like me you have heart disease in your family, make sure you can recognise the differences in the two very clearly. Bc if you are having a heart attack and you think it’s just anxiety, you could be in big trouble.

Anxiety does not get the pain down one arm like a heart attacks does.

Anxiety is all about the adrenalin so as you feel your heart going faster and you feel flushed; try to use relaxation to calm down the adrenalin that is pulsing through your body. The best kind of relaxation is two-fold.

Relaxation

Breathing

First I believe it is breathing. If you’re like me you might want to skip over this thinking breathing doesn’t work, but halt, please don’t skip it. If you persist, this can really work.

Take three deep breathes – but with each breath, count slowly to three as you breathe in, let ur whole body fill with the breath. Hold for a count of three and then another count of three as you breathe out; letting out every drop of air you inhaled. Your shoulders should probably slump a little as you finish expelling the air. Repeat this twice so you are doing three breathes. If this is not enough try it again in ten minutes.

Mindfulness

Another form of relaxation is mindfulness – it’s a technique used a LOT in CBT and DBT and it might sound a bit airy fairy but it is actually a super useful tool. Mindfulness is all about creating focus on something.

Let me use a couple of examples to illustrates how it works…

Bubbles in the Dishwater (bc this is one I naturally do and enjoy).

Look at the bubbles:

-          How big are they?

-          What colour are they?

-          What are they attached too?

-          Is the water cool or hot?

-          What makes a bigger bubble?

-          What reflections do you see in the bubbles?

-          What colour are the bubbles?

-          Do you see a rainbow in the bubbles from certain angles?

A piece of chocolate:

Before putting it in your mouth:

•          Is it wrapped in paper or foil or both?
•          What colour is it? Define the type of brown.
•          How big is it?
•          What shape is it?

Put it in ur mouth.

•          How does it taste?
•          What flavours or textures can you taste?
•          What is the dominant texture/flavour?
•          How does it slide down your throat?
•          Is any stuck to parts of your mouth? Which parts?
•          How hard do you have to work to get the chocolate from in your teeth?
•          What degree of sweetness or bitterness would you give it?

Teasing out every possible angle about something – including taste, texture, temperature, feel, sight and sound, keeps you focusing on one thing and gives you a bit more clarity. It definitely takes a bit of practice but mindfulness is really helpful. Plus, it’s something you can do and no one needs to know you’re doing it. You can do it at work, on the bus, in the car, at church, playing sport…. The possibilities are endless. And when it comes to chocolate – it makes it last longer and that can only be a good thing, lol.

So now we have two really good strategies to practice. And sometimes it’s great to practice these when you are not in such a distressed state because then when you are feeling anxious, the strategies are already beginning to be second nature. Try them when you are bored, or when watching tv.

There is something else that I think is vital for you to know if you suffer from any form of anxiety. This is not a strategy to try, but a thought to comfort you.

The 15 minute 'Rule'

When anxiety creeps up on you, you need to know that it will reach its peak for 15 minutes. Only 15 minutes and then it will start to subside. Yes, 15 minutes can feel like a lifetime while you’re in it I know, but it will begin to come down after that… unless you keep ruminating on the issue that caused the anxiety or the anxiety itself. Ruminating means to keep thinking on it. The more you focus on it, the longer it will remain at its peak. Which is where mindfulness can come in – get your mind focused on something else and you might not even notice the anxiety begin to subside.

Imagine a thermometer – your anxiety is the mercury in it. As it climbs it gets bigger and bigger, but it will reach the peak of the thermometer and then it can’t go any higher. On a stinking hot day, we do what we can to cool down – it’s the same with this thermometer.

My counsellor printed out a stack of these for me to chart where on the thermometer my anxiety began and where it hit it's peak and then where it came down too. I found it very helpful over time to see patterns in my anxiety.

If you need too, look at this one that may be easier to understand if you look at your anxiety going from 1-10 on the thermometer. If you need, too, print out copies like I did and chart them to see a pattern.

Do some mindfulness or deep breathing and you will see the mercury begin to go down. It might take another 15 minutes or half an hour or even an hour for the thermometer to come back down to the normal range – but the important thing here is that IT WILL COME DOWN.  And the worst of it only lasts a maximum of 15 minutes (unless you ruminate).

That’s pretty good to know hey?

Acceptance

Another important thing to have if you can is acceptance.

Accept that you have anxiety and that you have the power over it if you are armed with some ideas and strategies around it (which is the purpose of this blog).

Having anxiety doesn’t make you a freak or an outcast, in fact, you will be surprised to learn how many of us have anxiety and related disorders. The only reason why I personally found out about a few ppl recently is bc they were brave enough to write it on their FB status or text me about it.

I love to know when people are brave enough to tell me bc it means I might be able to help with strategies that have helped me in the past. I have so many years of mental health history as a support worker and a client that I love to share what I have learnt so that you, my reader, can be somewhat free of what plagues your life.

I really hope this has helped you a bit. If you have any questions what so ever, please, I implore you, reach out to someone, or reply to me here. I’d also love to know how you go with implementing these ideas in ur own life.

Cheers for now

Love L

xoxo