I’ve Become a Parent... of Sorts

Hi guys,

Im back again after a massive unplanned hiatus. All the laptops in our place died and around the same time we had some housing issues. Well a dear friend of ours gave us a second hand laptop recently and so Im baaaaaack!

Yet again, a LOT has happened since I last shared my life with you. 

In June Mike and I got a new housemate - another Mike! This Mike used to also live at Recovery Support Inc - where 'my Mike' used to live but later than Mike...

Ok, for the purposes of not confusing you, from here on Mike B is called Finn, and the other Mike is called Preston – his last name.

Preston also has some disabilities so I have become carer for him as well as Finn. It has definitely been a huge learning curve for me as I have in essence become ‘mum’ to both.

Finn seemed to regress a little in his behavior and when I ask him occasionally, “How old do you think u are inside?” he often says any age between 13-18. Which is kinda where the two of them are at mentally. It makes me smile tho.

Having Preston here has brought me lots of new challenges as I have had to come to a realization that he has been shoved from pillar to post and has been rejected a lot, not to mention is rather institutionalized and jaded as far as life goes. He gets in trouble constantly and I get the feeling that a lot of ppl havent been bothered to discipline him and so certain behaviours have led him to being kicked out of many supported homes. His mum even told me wen he first moved in that no professional has ever been able to change him “so wot hope do YOU have”.

It sadded me quite a lot to think that so many have given up on him including his own family (rejected by most of his family, even his mum refused to have him live with her, apparently bc he abused her and is a compulsive liar.) and I resolved then and there that no matter how hard it was gonna be, I wudn’t dump him. Gee, it hasn’t stopped me from wanting too at times tho, lol.

I thank God so much for His grace and his promises and lean on them when it gets really tough.

How do you teach someone about taking responsibility, honesty and integrity when they have never had any of that in their lives? How to you teach them about consequences for ‘bad behaviour’ when they can’t comprehend that what they have done is wrong (this is a major issue)? Or when no one else has followed through on consequences and therefore they don’t understand why it is wrong?

Poor Preston. Poor us. We asked him once if he knew what manners were. When he said no, we asked him if he wud like to learn manners. He said yes, but sometimes I think he regrets that yes. Lol. Finn and I work him hard. We don’t let him get away with a lot. However, I think that Finn then uses it to his own advantage sometimes often blaming poor Preston for stuff when in fact it is Finn that has done the wrong thing.
I begin to understand how parents of more than one kid must feel. Or in fact, my own foster parents. The amount of times I hear “He did it”, “No, HE did it”… How on earth do u find out the truth? And how do u hand out consequences when you can’t get to the bottom of it bc you know one of them is a compulsive liar and the other cud be lying… but MITE be telling the truth? Parents out there – I really value your feedback and ANY advice.

Apart from all the parenting skills I have to learn on the run, it’s also about understanding that Preston’s disability and his personality are different to Finn’s, similar yes, but not the same. While Finn has grown up with a compassionate heart and can be very sensitive to other’s needs, Preston has grown up with a lot of street smarts and has a really tough exterior.

I have friends who have seen my frustrations and suggested that maybe I should ‘send him back’. The problem is a) there is no back to send him too and b) If I send him back, then I am just another in a loooong line of people who have rejected him. I know my friends are looking out for me, and I am looking out for him. My opinion is that if certain people had rejected me (you know who you are) when I was at my worst, I honestly think I wud be in a grave right now. And Preston is SO worth the bother and the frustration. I do hear that my friends are concerned for me tho which is lovely.

Every now and then, I get little nuggets of gold from Preston. They warm my heart and make EVERYthing worthwhile.

What are some of these precious nuggets? Let me list just a few:

• Seeing him baptized into God’s family – at his request.
• Him proudly cooking tea one night with almost no help (& us wanting seconds)
• Thanking me profusely for letting him get his own pet cat.
• The times when he opens up from the depths of his heart and shares his past vulnerabilities and hurts with me.
• His mum visiting a couple months back and telling me on the quiet “I don’t know what you’ve done to him but he is a different person” – in a good way, lol.
• When his mum then asked if he wants to move in with her when her new house is ready and him replying “No, I have my house and my family now. Im not leaving”. Naaaaawww!
• Little things that I have to admit I’m taking for granted – like him wanting to unpack the shopping, or get the mail or take the bins out regularly.
• The times when I get home from somewhere and find the ‘fairy’ has been and cleaned the kitchen. He swears it’s not him but the fairy, lol.
• After getting into big BIG trouble the other night, and after I explained why his behavior was so unhealthy, him then opening up to me about his dreams for his life.
• Him telling me in the same conversation that he wants to go back to church and bible study (bc we have missed a couple weeks). I told him I thought he was bored bc he is always on his fone… turns out he just doesn’t know how to show or express his emotions, but he LOVES it all.
• Seeing him slowly, ever so slowly come out of his shell.
• Hearing him defend me to the death with Finn when people have said not-so-nice things about me.
• Giving him fun new experiences – like the Lobethal Christmas pageant or the World Tennis Challenge or meeting the cast of Housos and hearing his excitement about them.
• The night I helped him make Christmas cards for the special people in his life.
• Him wanting to make - and then actually doing it - a couple of deserts for Christmas lunch.

Getting letter like the following can ONLY melt ur heart...

I cud go on and on. The more I think about the little nuggets, the more of them there are.

It makes me realize, in writing them all here that things are changing in a great way. I just need to have more patience and trust God to do the hard stuff for me. I need to just continue to show Pres God’s love and persist in the times when I want to give up.

“…suffering produces perseverance; perseverance produces character and character produces hope…” Romans 5:3,4

There is only one real thing that I wish was different….

As ‘normal parents’ a person usually becomes a parent when their child is a newborn, or in the case of foster parents, the child is generally young. With Pres, I have a child in an adult’s body. And this is my biggest struggle with both of my Mikes; having two wonderful brothers (bc let’s face it, Preston has become a brother to both of us) that are in adult bodies but have children’s minds.

Along with the adult bodies come adult urges, adult behaviours (eg: smoking, language, street smarts, sexual activity) but bc they have the minds of children (in my opinion, they are like 10 year olds – depending on their mood or the situation, sometimes they are much younger) they are dealing with adult behaviours when they cannot comprehend wot it all means. It is so confusing for them – and also for me.

How do I explain there are certain things you really can’t do (like having a sexual relationship with ur gf) when you don’t understand the implications of it. I also have to remember that while they have the minds of younger people, they are in fact adults and I need to give them the dignity of being adults.

Talk about a confusing line to follow!

That’s why sometimes I wish I became the ‘parent’ when they were little. Bc then I wud be able to mold their minds at the same pace as their bodies. It wudnt be as confusing for either of us. That line would be much clearer.

But you know wot? Even though it’s difficult and hard, and sometimes we all wanna tear our hair out at each other, when it comes down to it, we are a household; a family; and I truly believe that God placed both Finn and Preston in my life at this time because we can be good for each other.

And don’t forget all those little nuggets!!!!

In fact, here are some visual nuggets to share with you...

Above, L-R

Soon after Preston moved in; Getting his kitten Misty, 

Chillin at home with the fire; best mates hangin out.

Above, L-R Special Events

The guys getting baptised - with our Pastor, Kynan; Preston's birthday

Christmas Eve and New year's Eve.

Above, L-R

Yes, we all love paying out Linda - after a dare to me to sit on the display bed... and it falling apart, hahaha! Loud Shirt Day, Cora Barclay Centre

Doing food shopping in the Central Markets and eating lunch in China Town, Just hangin out in the car. 

Spooktacular - having a fun night up with our friends in the hills. I did the face painting.

Meeting the cast of Housos at the Brahma Lodge Hotel was a highlight for the Mikes. They were looking for Australia's Biggest Bogan so had to come dressed as bogan as we cud. The bottom pic (excuse the fingers) is with Dave Cooper from the show. I might even get on the show itself as i got on camera a couple times.