Secret Silent Killers

It will be a week tomorrow since Australia woke up to the news that Robin Williams had died. And not only died, but committed suicide. When I saw it come up in my newsfeed on FB, I was utterly shocked; one of the funniest people in the world, dead? And from suicide?

How completely heartbreaking.

I went through half the day in a daze. Robin Williams, famous for Mork and Mindy, Mrs Doubtfire, Good Morning Vietnam, and my absolutely favourite work of his, Dead Poet’s Society. (Yes, I can still say that entire movie off by heart.) How could this be?

I remember thinking “Please don’t be drugs, please don’t be drugs” as I read the first news article because I think I’ve become desensitized a bit to celebrity deaths as a result of overdoses. However, when I heard he had committed suicide and that was part of his depression, I felt so sad but also a bit of a kinship with this lost funny man.

I felt I could see into his mind and while not knowing ANY of the details, I felt I have shared in the overwhelming emotions that he must have gone through in those final days: Despair, hopelessness, foggy haze, a will to give up.

How do I know these things? Bc I have been there – and thankfully not succeeded in my mission to end my life. Sadly, Robin Williams did succeed and while we are left with a wonderful funny legacy on film, I think that what Robin Williams unknowingly left behind was also an awareness of how easily we can misread people; and how hard people work to show the world that everything is ok… when it’s just… NOT!

Why do we – collectively, think that we simply must hide our true feelings? WHY must we wear masks every day instead of being real and transparent with those who we love?

I think about Robin Williams and think about what he was most known for: His comedy. His comedy became a mask to the world but I truly hope that he had people that he didn’t need to wear that mask around.

It’s so sad when you feel you have no choice but to pretend to be ok. That by wearing a mask you are helping the people around you feel not so uncomfortable. The mask can hinder us towards recovery but it can also protect us.

I remember when I was so severely sick with depression in my 20’s. The psych nurses and doctors thought I’d never come out of such a deep depression. They said to me later, they had never seen someone so severely depressed and they were all certain I would end my life – it was just a matter of when. I never wore my mask around them. They were safe people. I could be real when I was in hospital, even as a day patient.

But when you go about your daily life, at the shops, at appointments, at church, you feel like you have no choice but to wear that mask bc you have seen people shy away from you. You see the look on their faces when you walk in the door. It’s a look of “Oh, great, she’s here… we’re obligated to speak to her but I never know wot to say”. You see the expression on their face change as you turn your direction away from them. They let out an obvious sigh of relief. 

Meanwhile, you curl up figuratively into a tiny tiny ball inside your own head bc you know they can’t bear to have yet another one-sided conversation with you. And while you are in that curled up little ball, you find the right mask to wear that tells them you are ok. You’re fine. You’re having a good day in fact.

And when they hear that, their whole demeanor changes and they suddenly become friendly and inviting again. And in this whole production, you are putting them at ease (you’re as tense as a block of wood), letting them think that their platitudes are helping (inside you’re screaming), you nod and act interested (when can I leave? When can I leave?) – All to protect the ones you love…. And yourself.

You wear your mask to protect those around you from… you! I used to hate the thought of the people I loved being forced out of obligation to talk to me bc I could see how much work it took them and the end result was never what they wanted. So I’d wear the masks – when I could (sometimes I was too sick to even do that) and let my loved ones think that life was ok, it was starting to look up.

But you wear the mask to protect you from them too – so that you don’t have to see the pity or the helplessness in their eyes because they know that nothing they do will really help.

And you know what? Sometimes it’s perfectly ok to wear a mask – when you go to the shops for example. No check out chick really wants to know all your dramas, and do you really want to spill ur guts to some random? No. So, you choose a mask and put it on while you’re out running errands.

I see these masks as secret silent killers. You don't know they are there unless you yourself are wearing them and you are not usually too open about talking about these masks and yet they can lead someone down the path of suicide.

But in order for the masks to really help you, you need to know when you can take them off again. THIS is the most important part and this is what will lead you to a measure of recovery.You need to be able to find some trust that there are people with whom you can be really you with. It might be a doctor, a psychologist, a pastor, a counsellor, a friend.  But you need to get real about your health, ur mind and your direction with someone.

I was so blessed that I had a really strong support network back in the darkest days of my depression. There were people I could be around that just let me be in the emotion – in the dark, in the hopelessness, in the haze. They didn’t pressure me. They definitely talked with me. They kept me accountable; they taught me a lot about myself and being transparent with who I am. And because I left my masks at the door and willingly took on the support they gave me, I was able to find a new Linda underneath all the crap that the abuse, the abandonment and the rejection had made me to be.

Nowdays I still struggle with depression – but it’s an entirely different thing to that 5 year dark period of my life. It’s different bc God healed me from that and He promised me I’d never have it like that again. And I haven’t. I know that might sound a bit airy fairy to some of you, but God really did a major healing in my life there.

I also see some people so so close to me struggle with depression. I think it hurts me more to see those I love in the midst of it than it does for ME to be in it.

If you have loved ones that are depressed and you’re worries about if they are suicidal or not there are a few key things to look out for.

• If they begin to talk about death or dying. Even phrases like “I wish I was dead” can mean a lot given the context.
• If your loved one is talking a lot about suicide, they may attempt, but it will more likely be a halfhearted attempt -and is generally more a cry for help.
• If your loved one suddenly STOPS talking about suicide, that is a biggie. You will find that when you are most serious about it, you don’t tell ANYone. I have a post on here (http://reflectionsofasunflower.blogspot.com.au/2012/09/my-twloha-story.html) that talks more about suicide itself.
• If the person has lost all hope.

I truly believe that a person comes to a place of wanting to commit suicide when they have no hope left.  When I lost my hope, my entire world became as black as black. It took many people and myself a lot of hard work to find the hope again. Help your friend find hope.

Do u have kids that your loved one loves? Give them a photo of your kids and tell them to hold it every time they wanted to die.  A friend did that to me and I can tell you, sometimes that photo was the ONLY thing that kept me hanging on to my life. My friend would say “Imagine how I could possibly tell them you had died bc you didn’t want to live anymore.” Or “what would I tell them? They would be heartbroken” The children were little at the time and I knew that they would not be able to comprehend suicide. I sometimes held on purely bc of the thought of my passing, scarring their little souls. 

I could talk so much more about suicide. I could repeat stories already shared, but what I desperately want you to come away from reading this with, is that while masks can be somewhat helpful at times, they generally do not aid someone to live a full and healthy life.

I implore you, if you, or those around you wear masks a lot, look at the why. Why do you wear them? Around who? Is there anyone you don’t need to wear a mask around? Can u be truly you with some people?

If you can, spend more time with those you can be real and transparent around. They will build you up, encourage you, affirm you, hold your hand through the darkness that is depression and hopelessness. Don’t let go of that hand. Just have faith that even if you can’t see the way ahead, if you hold tight, and be real, you will make it through the stormy dark clouds of hopelessness and find your true self standing in the sunshine of recovery.

In honour of Robin Williams and bc I am so passionate about being real and NOT wearing the masks, I made an art journal page to go along with this post.

Check it out below.

Love L xo

TWINning at Birthdays!

So tonight I wanna write about being a twin, and how much I adore my dear twin brother.

Just this last Monday past (28th July) my best friend and I turned the big 3.9.!

It's so scary bc both of us certainly don’t feel a year off of 40. Whaaaaaaat FORTY you say???? NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

Granted, my body often feels like it's 80 but our minds and interests are still so young!

Here is Mike holding up one of his pressies. He loved them all.

So what is it like having a twin? What are the awesome things and what are the pitfalls?

From my own experience being a twin has been a comforting thing.

I love that there is another person who has been through all the crap with me. We had an extremely traumatic childhood and knowing that my twin was there every step of the way is truly a gift as only he knows how painful things were. I hate that he had to go through it but at least we both are glad the other one was there all the time.

I remember some birthdays when I wished it was just me – but now when I think back, I wonder how could I have possibly wanted a birthday all to myself?

Speaking of birthdays, when we turned 16 I will never forget (and pay him out endlessly bc of it) that Mike was so excited by his own birthday that he completely forgot it was also mine. At the time we went to different schools and his taxi came all the way out to the farm to pick him up every morning at 7.30am.

He was so excited “Gimme my present, gimme my present” he said to me…. And after opening it had to run out to the taxi. I remember our mum asking me what was wrong when she saw my apparent upset face. So when he got home from school that day (later than me), she asked him

“Hey Mike, did u forget who’s birthday it is today too?”

The poor guy felt so bad I laugh about it. Lol  And it’s not actually like he forgot proper – he had a present for me and stuff.

There has only been one year when we couldn’t be together on our birthday (that I recall) and it was awful for me. I absolutely hated not doing something with my twin. Of course we talked on the phone but it was a dark day for me. Normally, before we shared house, Mike would come spend the weekend with me and it would always be a couple of days of birthday fun.

As adults, I have always made our birthday about Mike – bc to be honest, I am not that fussed about my birthday. I do enjoy getting greetings from people but I’m happy with that. Mike however, LOVES his birthday. I guess that’s where he is still like a big kid (bc of his disability). He can’t understand why we can’t have a party every year. So I try to make it something special. And bc there is only the two of us, I usually get him a few presents so he doesn’t feel like he missed out. Sometimes I think it’s so unfair and cruel that he misses out on the rest of his family especially at times like birthdays.

This year, we went to visit Krispy Kremes and had a fun hang out time there. We had planned to see a movie too but in the end were too tired so came home like ole grandma and grandpa, lol.

A few years ago, when we were in touch with our sister, she gave me a surprise birthday party. It was so beautiful – pretty much all my favourite special people were there… but my brother. Her intention was to let me have a birthday instead of making it all about Mike. It was such a lovely thing for her to do – but as a twin, I couldn’t help feel part of me was betraying my brother as he really should have been there with me so once I got over the shock of the surprise, there was a little corner of my heart that was crying.

But something else you might not know about twins and birthdays – it’s so so hard when you get birthday cards and lots of greetings (bc you know so many people) but your twin doesn’t get included. Personally, I’d rather he get them all but when I get a card in the mail and he is not included, the guilt that I feel is overwhelming. But how can I expect my friends to understand how it breaks my heart seeing the sad look on his face when there is nothing for him?

I think that’s something that people don’t realize. Bc we almost see the other twin as part of ourselves – or maybe just bc Mike and I are so close and so in tune with each other’s feelings, we do tend to feel a lot of guilt if one gets stuff that the other doesn’t. Maybe guilt is the wrong word…. I dunno, but it does feel like a knife going in seeing the other one sad.

Even right down to little things like cards. Or if Mike buys something for himself, he will show me but then always say “I feel bad for you, that you don’t have it”. I feel the same. It’s so weird, but kinda cool, altho the guilt part of it can hinder things.

People often ask if we have that telepathic thing going on. The answer is NO. They ask if we feel or know if the other is happy or sad. The answer is NO.

We are fraternal twins – that means that we were created from two separate eggs – just fertilized at the same time. We shared a womb yes, but fraternal twins (can be both sexes or same sex) are technically just like any brother and sister. I guess for Mike and I tho, we have shared so much and always been together that we are so close.

This photo was from the FMS PAD challenge. A lot of ppl get creeped out by it but I like it. lol.

Believe it or not, I have been asked if we are identical twins – even after I’ve told someone my twin is a brother. I usually repeat “He is my BROTHER” with a smile and then going on to explain it’s impossible to have boy and girl twins identical. (Mind you, I have seen boy/girl twins almost identical looking – their faces I mean, and some people say Mike and I look very very similar – I don’t think so tho).

Identical twins were created from the same egg – so while they share a womb, they also share the same sack and bc they came from the same egg, that is why identical twins often look the same, have the same characteristics, mannerisms, voice, etc.

It’s identical twins who usually ‘feel’ or ‘know’ if the other is in pain or happy etc. Having said that however, even though Mike and I don’t have that telepathic thing going on, when we can see the other in pain? It’s like a knife going through our bellies. It probably hurts more than if the bad thing were happening to us not our twin.

A joke I kinda like to play on people who might not know me that well – or who only know me and not Mike is Ill tell them “It’s my twin’s birthday” and they are like “Oooooh tell him we said happy birthday” or “This is my brother, it’s his birthday today” and then later, the person will click that hey, if he is my twin, it’s also mine. It’s pretty funny seeing people email or text later, hehehe!

But truthfully, in our perfect world, Mike and I would love others to remember the other twin no matter what. 

Well, I've probably rambled on enough for tonight. I could write sooo much more about being a twin so Ill save it for later.

Thanks for all the birthday love!

L xo

 Rockin it 80's style!!!!