Anxiety Spangxiety

Lately I have seen a number of people on my Facebook really struggling with anxiety so I wanted to write a blog post on it. Explain what it is, how to recognise it and some ideas and strategies of dealing with it.

Anxiety can be its own disorder or it can be part of any number of disorders – like depression for example. But there are also a whole family of illnesses that are anxiety based – the granddaddy of them being Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).

OCD

For example, I have OCD and it affects me in a number of ways – firstly, I have a fear of contamination. I struggle to touch things like bins, raw meat, animals and anything to do with body fluids. So lucky I have Mike living with me to do the bins every week – and he gives extra love to the cats and looks after their food and litter bc they are my biiiig struggles. When this type of my OCD flares up I tend to wash my hands, arms - whatever touched the ‘contaminate’ over and over. I’ve got it down to one good wash a time now but there was a time when my skin wud be really effected by the amount of hand washing I did. For this kind of OCD I have had to undergo a lot of very uncomfortable exposure therapy – not fun, but it works.

And every time I have thoughts of avoidance nowadays, I force myself to pick up the cat and cuddle it, then I force myself to wait as long as I can before I wash my hands – the longest I can go is between half an hour and 45 minutes. Avoidance with contamination issues just makes it bigger and badder. Constantly challenging those thoughts is what brings you to recovery.

Another way I am affected by anxiety in my OCD is when I am really stressed I tend to pick at my face – something I am currently struggling with. Gouging holes in my face and picking at it is NOT a good way to deal with stress and anxiety but atm I’m a bit stuck. Face picking is also something I have never really talked about to anyone before but it is definitely part of the OCD. It even has its own name: Dermatillomania, or Compulsive Skin Picking (CSP). I actually finally ‘fessed up to a professional about it only today: It was a big relief and they are now getting help for me with this problem I’ve had the whole of my life (well, since I was about 14).

I am also a counter – I count everything. Even when I know the number of things isn’t gonna change. Like, I will sit in church and count all the members of a family. There might be five and I know there is only five in that family, but I have to keep counting, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 over and over. It’s weird. My old psychologist once told me that what makes it OCD is that you’re checking to make sure it’s still the same instead of accepting, yes; there are five people in that family and leaving it (or like someone who has to repeatedly check the oven is off or the door locked or the hair straightener being left on). I will count how many lines on a verse of a song when it’s up on the screen, how many wheels on the truck next to me, how many louvers in the air vents, how many air vents, how many lights on the ceiling etc. The counting just goes on and on and on.

As part of my counting – or maybe it goes hand in hand with it, is that I also measure distances and times aaaall the time. I will measure the distance and time to EVERYwhere I go even when I know it hasn’t changed since the last time I went; I love clocks for these reasons too.

The last way that OCD cud affect me is through hoarding – something that my birth mother struggles with a lot and something that I definitely have tendencies towards. You see the Hoarding tv shows? Yup, that’s my mother but she is getting help for it and that’s great. I keep it in check by watching said tv shows and being reminded of my CBT bc they also use the concepts on those shows.

All of the above are different aspects of OCD and not just anxiety. Ive had quite a few laypeople doubt my OCD bc I don’t talk about it much – but you can see here that yep, I sure have it in leaps and bounds.

Anyway, I have a few strategies I wanna share with you – not all related to OCD but to anxiety in general (unless specified).

So before I start - where do I get my knowledge of this stuff? I have done intensive CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) and twice done a DBT (Dialectical Behavioural Therapy) 6 month course plus years of experience as both client and a professional in the mental health field – so I reckon I’m qualified to give some strategies ….

The first thing I want you know about anxiety is what it can feel like.

When you get an anxiety attack take note of what your body is telling you;

•         Is your heart beating faster?
•         Do u feel hot or flushed all over?
•         You may feel nausea or dizziness
•         Do u feel like you are having a heart attack – is your chest tight and in pain?
•         Are you irritable?
•         Tired?
•         Confused – fuzzy in ur mind?
•         Have trouble concentrating?
•       Get sweaty clammy hands?
•       Tense muscles?
•       Dry mouth?
•       Shakey limbs?
•        Is there a lump in your throat you cant get rid of?
•        Are you running to the toilet a lot?
•       Does the idea of socializing (or even leaving the house) make u freeze up?
•        Is everything all too much to cope with?

These are all signs that you are leading up to or in an anxiety/panic attack; or not even an attack but u may just have generalized anxiety. Listening to your body is so important bc it allows you to (over time) catch the anxiety before it reaches its peak, then you can do something about it and possibly even avoid a full blown anxiety/panic attack altogether.

***Just a note here – I mentioned that it can feel like a heart attack?

That is so so true. I have been admitted into emergency more than once thinking I was having a heart attack and remained unconvinced even with the evidence in front of my eyes (the readouts from scans) bc I honestly believed the pain in my chest couldn’t be anything but a heart attack (and I have heart diease in my family). If you are prone to anxiety and/or like me you have heart disease in your family, make sure you can recognise the differences in the two very clearly. Bc if you are having a heart attack and you think it’s just anxiety, you could be in big trouble.

Anxiety does not get the pain down one arm like a heart attacks does.

Anxiety is all about the adrenalin so as you feel your heart going faster and you feel flushed; try to use relaxation to calm down the adrenalin that is pulsing through your body. The best kind of relaxation is two-fold.

Relaxation

Breathing

First I believe it is breathing. If you’re like me you might want to skip over this thinking breathing doesn’t work, but halt, please don’t skip it. If you persist, this can really work.

Take three deep breathes – but with each breath, count slowly to three as you breathe in, let ur whole body fill with the breath. Hold for a count of three and then another count of three as you breathe out; letting out every drop of air you inhaled. Your shoulders should probably slump a little as you finish expelling the air. Repeat this twice so you are doing three breathes. If this is not enough try it again in ten minutes.

Mindfulness

Another form of relaxation is mindfulness – it’s a technique used a LOT in CBT and DBT and it might sound a bit airy fairy but it is actually a super useful tool. Mindfulness is all about creating focus on something.

Let me use a couple of examples to illustrates how it works…

Bubbles in the Dishwater (bc this is one I naturally do and enjoy).

Look at the bubbles:

-          How big are they?

-          What colour are they?

-          What are they attached too?

-          Is the water cool or hot?

-          What makes a bigger bubble?

-          What reflections do you see in the bubbles?

-          What colour are the bubbles?

-          Do you see a rainbow in the bubbles from certain angles?

A piece of chocolate:

Before putting it in your mouth:

•          Is it wrapped in paper or foil or both?
•          What colour is it? Define the type of brown.
•          How big is it?
•          What shape is it?

Put it in ur mouth.

•          How does it taste?
•          What flavours or textures can you taste?
•          What is the dominant texture/flavour?
•          How does it slide down your throat?
•          Is any stuck to parts of your mouth? Which parts?
•          How hard do you have to work to get the chocolate from in your teeth?
•          What degree of sweetness or bitterness would you give it?

Teasing out every possible angle about something – including taste, texture, temperature, feel, sight and sound, keeps you focusing on one thing and gives you a bit more clarity. It definitely takes a bit of practice but mindfulness is really helpful. Plus, it’s something you can do and no one needs to know you’re doing it. You can do it at work, on the bus, in the car, at church, playing sport…. The possibilities are endless. And when it comes to chocolate – it makes it last longer and that can only be a good thing, lol.

So now we have two really good strategies to practice. And sometimes it’s great to practice these when you are not in such a distressed state because then when you are feeling anxious, the strategies are already beginning to be second nature. Try them when you are bored, or when watching tv.

There is something else that I think is vital for you to know if you suffer from any form of anxiety. This is not a strategy to try, but a thought to comfort you.

The 15 minute 'Rule'

When anxiety creeps up on you, you need to know that it will reach its peak for 15 minutes. Only 15 minutes and then it will start to subside. Yes, 15 minutes can feel like a lifetime while you’re in it I know, but it will begin to come down after that… unless you keep ruminating on the issue that caused the anxiety or the anxiety itself. Ruminating means to keep thinking on it. The more you focus on it, the longer it will remain at its peak. Which is where mindfulness can come in – get your mind focused on something else and you might not even notice the anxiety begin to subside.

Imagine a thermometer – your anxiety is the mercury in it. As it climbs it gets bigger and bigger, but it will reach the peak of the thermometer and then it can’t go any higher. On a stinking hot day, we do what we can to cool down – it’s the same with this thermometer.

My counsellor printed out a stack of these for me to chart where on the thermometer my anxiety began and where it hit it's peak and then where it came down too. I found it very helpful over time to see patterns in my anxiety.

If you need too, look at this one that may be easier to understand if you look at your anxiety going from 1-10 on the thermometer. If you need, too, print out copies like I did and chart them to see a pattern.

Do some mindfulness or deep breathing and you will see the mercury begin to go down. It might take another 15 minutes or half an hour or even an hour for the thermometer to come back down to the normal range – but the important thing here is that IT WILL COME DOWN.  And the worst of it only lasts a maximum of 15 minutes (unless you ruminate).

That’s pretty good to know hey?

Acceptance

Another important thing to have if you can is acceptance.

Accept that you have anxiety and that you have the power over it if you are armed with some ideas and strategies around it (which is the purpose of this blog).

Having anxiety doesn’t make you a freak or an outcast, in fact, you will be surprised to learn how many of us have anxiety and related disorders. The only reason why I personally found out about a few ppl recently is bc they were brave enough to write it on their FB status or text me about it.

I love to know when people are brave enough to tell me bc it means I might be able to help with strategies that have helped me in the past. I have so many years of mental health history as a support worker and a client that I love to share what I have learnt so that you, my reader, can be somewhat free of what plagues your life.

I really hope this has helped you a bit. If you have any questions what so ever, please, I implore you, reach out to someone, or reply to me here. I’d also love to know how you go with implementing these ideas in ur own life.

Cheers for now

Love L

xoxo

I’ve Become a Parent... of Sorts

Hi guys,

Im back again after a massive unplanned hiatus. All the laptops in our place died and around the same time we had some housing issues. Well a dear friend of ours gave us a second hand laptop recently and so Im baaaaaack!

Yet again, a LOT has happened since I last shared my life with you. 

In June Mike and I got a new housemate - another Mike! This Mike used to also live at Recovery Support Inc - where 'my Mike' used to live but later than Mike...

Ok, for the purposes of not confusing you, from here on Mike B is called Finn, and the other Mike is called Preston – his last name.

Preston also has some disabilities so I have become carer for him as well as Finn. It has definitely been a huge learning curve for me as I have in essence become ‘mum’ to both.

Finn seemed to regress a little in his behavior and when I ask him occasionally, “How old do you think u are inside?” he often says any age between 13-18. Which is kinda where the two of them are at mentally. It makes me smile tho.

Having Preston here has brought me lots of new challenges as I have had to come to a realization that he has been shoved from pillar to post and has been rejected a lot, not to mention is rather institutionalized and jaded as far as life goes. He gets in trouble constantly and I get the feeling that a lot of ppl havent been bothered to discipline him and so certain behaviours have led him to being kicked out of many supported homes. His mum even told me wen he first moved in that no professional has ever been able to change him “so wot hope do YOU have”.

It sadded me quite a lot to think that so many have given up on him including his own family (rejected by most of his family, even his mum refused to have him live with her, apparently bc he abused her and is a compulsive liar.) and I resolved then and there that no matter how hard it was gonna be, I wudn’t dump him. Gee, it hasn’t stopped me from wanting too at times tho, lol.

I thank God so much for His grace and his promises and lean on them when it gets really tough.

How do you teach someone about taking responsibility, honesty and integrity when they have never had any of that in their lives? How to you teach them about consequences for ‘bad behaviour’ when they can’t comprehend that what they have done is wrong (this is a major issue)? Or when no one else has followed through on consequences and therefore they don’t understand why it is wrong?

Poor Preston. Poor us. We asked him once if he knew what manners were. When he said no, we asked him if he wud like to learn manners. He said yes, but sometimes I think he regrets that yes. Lol. Finn and I work him hard. We don’t let him get away with a lot. However, I think that Finn then uses it to his own advantage sometimes often blaming poor Preston for stuff when in fact it is Finn that has done the wrong thing.
I begin to understand how parents of more than one kid must feel. Or in fact, my own foster parents. The amount of times I hear “He did it”, “No, HE did it”… How on earth do u find out the truth? And how do u hand out consequences when you can’t get to the bottom of it bc you know one of them is a compulsive liar and the other cud be lying… but MITE be telling the truth? Parents out there – I really value your feedback and ANY advice.

Apart from all the parenting skills I have to learn on the run, it’s also about understanding that Preston’s disability and his personality are different to Finn’s, similar yes, but not the same. While Finn has grown up with a compassionate heart and can be very sensitive to other’s needs, Preston has grown up with a lot of street smarts and has a really tough exterior.

I have friends who have seen my frustrations and suggested that maybe I should ‘send him back’. The problem is a) there is no back to send him too and b) If I send him back, then I am just another in a loooong line of people who have rejected him. I know my friends are looking out for me, and I am looking out for him. My opinion is that if certain people had rejected me (you know who you are) when I was at my worst, I honestly think I wud be in a grave right now. And Preston is SO worth the bother and the frustration. I do hear that my friends are concerned for me tho which is lovely.

Every now and then, I get little nuggets of gold from Preston. They warm my heart and make EVERYthing worthwhile.

What are some of these precious nuggets? Let me list just a few:

• Seeing him baptized into God’s family – at his request.
• Him proudly cooking tea one night with almost no help (& us wanting seconds)
• Thanking me profusely for letting him get his own pet cat.
• The times when he opens up from the depths of his heart and shares his past vulnerabilities and hurts with me.
• His mum visiting a couple months back and telling me on the quiet “I don’t know what you’ve done to him but he is a different person” – in a good way, lol.
• When his mum then asked if he wants to move in with her when her new house is ready and him replying “No, I have my house and my family now. Im not leaving”. Naaaaawww!
• Little things that I have to admit I’m taking for granted – like him wanting to unpack the shopping, or get the mail or take the bins out regularly.
• The times when I get home from somewhere and find the ‘fairy’ has been and cleaned the kitchen. He swears it’s not him but the fairy, lol.
• After getting into big BIG trouble the other night, and after I explained why his behavior was so unhealthy, him then opening up to me about his dreams for his life.
• Him telling me in the same conversation that he wants to go back to church and bible study (bc we have missed a couple weeks). I told him I thought he was bored bc he is always on his fone… turns out he just doesn’t know how to show or express his emotions, but he LOVES it all.
• Seeing him slowly, ever so slowly come out of his shell.
• Hearing him defend me to the death with Finn when people have said not-so-nice things about me.
• Giving him fun new experiences – like the Lobethal Christmas pageant or the World Tennis Challenge or meeting the cast of Housos and hearing his excitement about them.
• The night I helped him make Christmas cards for the special people in his life.
• Him wanting to make - and then actually doing it - a couple of deserts for Christmas lunch.

Getting letter like the following can ONLY melt ur heart...

I cud go on and on. The more I think about the little nuggets, the more of them there are.

It makes me realize, in writing them all here that things are changing in a great way. I just need to have more patience and trust God to do the hard stuff for me. I need to just continue to show Pres God’s love and persist in the times when I want to give up.

“…suffering produces perseverance; perseverance produces character and character produces hope…” Romans 5:3,4

There is only one real thing that I wish was different….

As ‘normal parents’ a person usually becomes a parent when their child is a newborn, or in the case of foster parents, the child is generally young. With Pres, I have a child in an adult’s body. And this is my biggest struggle with both of my Mikes; having two wonderful brothers (bc let’s face it, Preston has become a brother to both of us) that are in adult bodies but have children’s minds.

Along with the adult bodies come adult urges, adult behaviours (eg: smoking, language, street smarts, sexual activity) but bc they have the minds of children (in my opinion, they are like 10 year olds – depending on their mood or the situation, sometimes they are much younger) they are dealing with adult behaviours when they cannot comprehend wot it all means. It is so confusing for them – and also for me.

How do I explain there are certain things you really can’t do (like having a sexual relationship with ur gf) when you don’t understand the implications of it. I also have to remember that while they have the minds of younger people, they are in fact adults and I need to give them the dignity of being adults.

Talk about a confusing line to follow!

That’s why sometimes I wish I became the ‘parent’ when they were little. Bc then I wud be able to mold their minds at the same pace as their bodies. It wudnt be as confusing for either of us. That line would be much clearer.

But you know wot? Even though it’s difficult and hard, and sometimes we all wanna tear our hair out at each other, when it comes down to it, we are a household; a family; and I truly believe that God placed both Finn and Preston in my life at this time because we can be good for each other.

And don’t forget all those little nuggets!!!!

In fact, here are some visual nuggets to share with you...

Above, L-R

Soon after Preston moved in; Getting his kitten Misty, 

Chillin at home with the fire; best mates hangin out.

Above, L-R Special Events

The guys getting baptised - with our Pastor, Kynan; Preston's birthday

Christmas Eve and New year's Eve.

Above, L-R

Yes, we all love paying out Linda - after a dare to me to sit on the display bed... and it falling apart, hahaha! Loud Shirt Day, Cora Barclay Centre

Doing food shopping in the Central Markets and eating lunch in China Town, Just hangin out in the car. 

Spooktacular - having a fun night up with our friends in the hills. I did the face painting.

Meeting the cast of Housos at the Brahma Lodge Hotel was a highlight for the Mikes. They were looking for Australia's Biggest Bogan so had to come dressed as bogan as we cud. The bottom pic (excuse the fingers) is with Dave Cooper from the show. I might even get on the show itself as i got on camera a couple times. 

My 'Date with a Demon'

It's been a few months since I've written to you here, but I had a couple of laptops that suddenly got awfully thirsty. Needless to say, I now keep all drinks far away from Mike's newly fixed laptop. Thankfully, I am back online on a computer finally and so I can share with you again.

So much has happened since I last wrote, but today I have a real story for you. I won't apologise for the content. If you're not a Christian, you're probably not gonna like it - it's all God and God's power in THIS post so sit back for a ride like no other.......

I have a very dear friend (Im calling her “A” here and I have her permission to share this story). “A” and I got back in touch about 6 months ago after ten years of not seeing each other. Our friendship picked up where it had let off, only in the interim “A” had developed a love for alcohol. Ok, it wasn't just a love; she was well and truly addicted to it.

A couple years ago, she and God had a conversation where He warned her that she needed to stop drinking bc if she didn't it would become a major problem  She told her partner at the time what God had said and he went out and bought her top shelf gift-wrapped scotch each day for the next two weeks. I dunno wot prompted him to do this. He isn't a believer, and my only thing is that he liked her drunk bc there were certain things he could get out of her then. Supportive partner! Not!

Well, the long and short of it is that my dear friend ended up with a pretty severe addiction to alcohol to the point that her body was starting to break down. It was so scary. Since we met up again I have seen her drunk but functional and also well and truly smashed. It's been heart breaking to see and my brother and I have done all we could to support her. She herself doesn't want to drink anymore but her body needs it. If she doesn't drink at least every hour, her body stands a very good chance of going into seizures and she could possibly die.

I spent a night with her in emergency after one such seizure - the doctors got real with us about the damage that alcohol had done to her body. I won't tell you everything here, but needless to say, it was a massive eye opener for this teetotaller. It actually scared me - the fact that “A” could be that sick from only a couple years, if that, of alcohol consumption when there are people out there who drink for years and don't have the same health issues associated with alcoholism. 

I was more determined than ever after that to help “A” get off the drink. Just before and after Christmas, she attempted three times to do at-home detox (using Vallium which is the only way to do it without seizures but unfortunately wasn't successful. In the end she made the decision to go to a facility to detox. I was so so proud of her bc having been addicted to self injury in my past, I know the power of addiction. It takes great courage to admit you have a problem and then to take steps to overcome it. I can't begin to tell you how proud I have been of her.

Well, she was due to go into the facility on Tuesday morning.  So on Monday night - the night before “A”'s admission, we had a BBQ tea at her friends' (let’s call them “X”&”Y”) place. Apart from “A” and myself, “A”'s parents and her little 21 month old boy (“B”), and “X”&”Y”'s son and daughter-in-law were there. It was an absolutely lovely relaxing evening for me personally and I thoroughly enjoyed getting to know them all better. However for A it was fraught with anxieties over what the next day held.

The poor girl was going through all kinds of anxiety as she faced a future without alcohol. She was dealing with the fear of giving up an addiction that had been her whole life.

How on earth would her body withdraw from it without killing her? (She has been in serious danger of possible death due to withdrawals in the past).

How could she possibly deal with the demons, thoughts and memories in her head without the drink to quiet them?

What could she use to replace this coping mechanism? 

How on earth would she cope without it near her as her safety net? 

I can relate to her anxieties bc I went through similar when I eventually gave up my 'friend' self injury. (Yeah, I know it's not the same, but it nearly is - still an addiction to something unhealthy and the same reasons behind it all). And we both used our addictions in the same way - to cope with incredibly painful thoughts and emotions.

It really was a lovely night of relationship building, but after everyone else had gone home and it was just “X”&”Y”, “A” and me left, we decided to go inside and pray about “A”’s admission in the morning before I left for home. We went into the lounge room and “A” and I sat together on the lounge, with “X”&”Y” next to “A” on the floor. “X”&”Y” prayed first while we all laid hands on “A” - meaning, I was holding her arm and the others rested their hands on her hand and shoulder.

Then, “A” asked if she could pray. Ummm, of *course*! 

No, I understand why she asked. It was massive deal as she felt she could never pray out loud with others. And “A” hadn't prayed out loud with anyone for a long time (except for a one off with me). So I knew her reluctance and that made me even more excited that she *wanted* to pray out loud. We encouraged her to say whatever was on her heart. It was one of the most beautiful prayers I'd ever heard. Heartfelt, deep, personal, sincere and so humble. She got so honest with God, telling him everything. She apologised to her God, she asked him to change her heart, she cried out to him. It was truly beautiful and it was....wow! After that, I think the three of us others were all crying, I know I was. And then I prayed. 

I don't remember everything that we prayed, all I know is that all of a sudden “A”’s back arched up and she was flung to the floor. At first I thought that she was so moved by the Holy Spirit – given her prayer but I was soon to recognize tho, it was a completely different kind of spirit that was in da house!

Suddenly, I realised we were well and truly in the middle of a battle between heaven and hell.

I remember the many many discussions I've had with my spiritual parents about spiritual warfare. I have sat at their feet and fired off question after question learning and trying to understand this kind of ministry. I have learnt over the years to pray certain things for protection and stuff. Im now so thankful for these talks bc I felt a little more armed than I might have previously been. Neil T Anderson also has a couple of awesome books that I read years ago that are wonderful for this kind of ministry and added to my knowledge base immensely (one of the ‘The Bondage Breaker’). 

For example:

One thing I have learnt is that the most powerful things you can say to a demon or even the devil is Jesus' name and Jesus' blood. They HATE that. So over and over and over again we prayed Jesus over “A”. We prayed for a covering of his life-giving blood over “A”, over “X”&”Y” and over me. That His blood would cover all our homes and the ppl we love. To pray Jesus' blood over somebody is something that will get them scurrying for the darkest of corners. And I saw the proof of this countless times over in that two hours that we prayed.

Much of what happened throughout that prayer session is a blur. But I do remember some things. I remember the look of that demon as it stared out of “A”'s beautiful eyes at me. The look of absolute hate as it spat its tirade in my face. We just prayed all the harder. Every time we prayed that Jesus blood would cover “A”, the spirit of alcoholism wud scream out "Noooooooo" and would violently jerk my friend's body. So then we would bind it in Jesus' name and “A”'s body would calm down. As we watched her relax, the evil demon would leave her features and we could see her come to the fore. She would plead with her eyes and barely manage to whisper "What is happening to me?" We would try to tell her that it was gonna be ok, we were praying for her and God was here. We would say that alcohol wasn't gonna win and then her body would tense up again and we would hear the demon using her mouth to scream at us again. Every time we rebuked it, it played havoc with A's body, throwing her around the floor, tossing and turning her at random. Giving her the utmost pain in her abdomen. 

"She is miiiiiiiiiiine!" 

"No, she *isn't*. She is God's daughter and she is covered by the life giving blood of Jesus who died just for her. You have NO power here."

"Noooooooooooooooo. I’ll kill her first"

All the while, “A” was either writhing around on the floor or was physically trying to jump up and leave. Thank goodness for “X”'s strength bc us girls couldn't have held her down. we prayed that he be bound, that his mouth be shut up and he would suddenly go quiet and we just kept proclaiming the promises of God over “A”, no matter what that spirit would try to do.

There was a very distinct difference between the face of my beautiful friend and the face of the demon spirit even though he used her. “A”'s face was gentle, relaxed, pained and crying. Her eyes were begging and pleading for the pain to stop. She was very questioning while also looking so frightened.

The demon Alcoholism had an almost triangular face. I really don't know how he managed to contort her face into the shape it was bc it wasn't her face - and yet it was, if u know what I mean. All I can remember were small eyes and gritted bared teeth and a red red face when it was the demon. There was a hardness to its eyes. It definitely wasn't my friend.

At one point I remember wondering to myself how on earth were we gonna get rid of this damn spirit but no matter how long it took, we were there for the long haul. And then it popped into my head (or rather God spoke to me). We had to get “A” to speak it out herself. That was the only way. We could pray over her as much as we liked but that demon wouldn't leave her until she spoke out with her own voice that she wanted Jesus and that she belonged to him.

I prayed and asked “A” to say the name "Jesus". She tried. She tried so so hard but no voice would come. That's when we knew that the demon had left her abdomen (where it had already caused physical damage) and was now up in her throat. I could, in the Spirit, see it holding onto her vocal chords stopping her from speaking. I demanded it to let go of her throat and vocal chords. We all prayed about it, very determinedly, and after a fight, we could see it losing its grip and “A” was able to whisper in a very hoarse voice "Jesus". 

I remember the tears pouring down my face at that victory for God. We continued to pray - pray Jesus blood and proclaim His salvation over “A”. 

The next thing we got her to say was along the lines of "Alcohol, I demand you to leave me in Jesus' name". It took a long time as that demon kept trying to stop her from speaking, but, word by word, she managed to gasp out the phrase. Interspersed with us all praying Jesus' blood over her and binding the spirit and his voice. Once “A” had said this sentence it was basically over. 

The demon was toast. Hell had lost!

We continued to pray for about 5-10 minutes and again, I wondered how do we know if it's gone? Simple, the answer came from above; just ask her. So, I did!

"“A”, do you think it's gone?". “A” nodded her head weakly and we could see she was free. We prayed rejoicing over her and thanked God for how hard he worked this night. I think those last 10 minutes of prayers were born out of tears, emotion, relief and just plain thankfulness.

A moment or two later, “A” kind of 'came too'. It was like she'd been in a trance or hypnotized or something bc even tho her eyes had been open it was like she just woke up. She asked us "Uuummm, what am I doing on the floor? Why is the music off? When are we gonna pray? C'mon guys, I need to get to bed."

We all just laughed. It was so bizarre, after being in this massive spiritual battle and “A” not even remember it. Her reactions just tickled me but I think that the laughter was also just the incredible joy from witnessing such a massive healing too.

We eventually ended up outside under the pergola with cups of tea and blankets as we shared with “A” all that had happened in the last two hours. At first she couldn't believe it - although one of the first things she said was that if someone put alcohol in front of her she would, without hesitation, smash the bottle. "I hate the stuff" she said.

Over the next 15 minutes to half an hour, God brought back certain memories for her - memories of her deliverance and we all shared and debriefed together. One thing for sure, “X”, ”Y” and myself had never met before that night, but we were closer than family could be after this.

“A” had an incredibly tender stomach - and we explained that is where the demon was for most of the time - flinging her body around, then it went up to her throat - she said that explained why her throat was also sore.

Eventually it was time for me to leave, and “A” to go to bed so that “Y” could take her to detox in the morning. I received a text from “Y” the next afternoon saying that “A” had gone to detox 'like a lamb'. I was so happy.

I have been able to call “A” each day at detox and up until today, she has had no withdrawals or cravings at all. That is something else we prayed for in amongst it all that Monday night. I get so excited every time I call and she tells me that she still hasn't had any. Tonight however, she told me she has had cravings for alcohol and they have been so intense. Im not worried tho. I honestly believe that the cravings are more a mind thing than a body thing. The alcohol should now be out of her system and it's just a matter of her mind finding other ways to deal with the anxieties and stress of life than to just reach for a bottle. She comes 'home' to “X”&”Y”'s place tomorrow where she can continue to recuperate for a few more days before facing the big world again.

That night I realised that my faith was a lot stronger than I ever thought bc why else were we fighting so hard against a demon? Thinking about it all…it was kind of bizarre for me to be praying against something so evil as I have always had this inkling that my prayers arn't as powerful as those who have stronger faith. I will always ask others to pray bc I believe my prayers arn't as good. Or that my faith isn't as strong so why would God listen to me? What a crock. I sure learnt differently that night. No matter how insignificant you think you are God can still work through you.

I have absolute confidence that my Lord God will keep her from drinking alcohol. I know that he has placed a strong support network of people around “A” to guide her through the next few months. Months that will be difficult as she deals with things from her past, clear minded. I know that she can now lean on God for the strength instead of reaching for a bottle that has no strength but that wud only cloud everything.

If you would like to pray for something I will make a small list here below. Because I think it's so important that “A” continue to have as much prayer support as she can get - life is not gonna get easier any time soon, but with Jesus and the support and prayers of friends and strangers she can conquer a lot more than she could have ever hoped or dreamed.

Prayer Points:

      Thank Jesus that He was able to bring “A” through such a horrific ordeal and come out the other end completely victorious in Him

      For “A” to keep her focus solely on God as she ventures forth alcohol-free to a brand new life.

      That God can continue to heal “A”'s body from the physical damage alcohol did and reverse some of the damage.

      That “A” has the support around her to really get transparent and real about the stuff she has to work through in order to be healthy and whole.
Pray also that "A" can get back to the business of being the best mum in the world to her beautiful son "B".

Thank you for reading this far. It was something I so much wanted to share- as it was a new thing for me - and bc it’s something I’ve heard of happening – even to friends of mine, but I’ve never seen before.

I think this ‘experience’ has shown me that my faith is stronger than I realised, and that God can use people who think they are so little when it comes to fighting these massive battles. It just shows that with God, ANYthing can be achieved.

Praise and thank you Jesus for “A”’s continued healing and new life in you. Thank you also for strengthening my faith and providing me with two more people to love and live and learn from xoxoxo

My Faith Testimony!

Hi again friends, 

On Sunday night at church, Jon preached an awesome message on Salvation. No surprise there, that's what the Christian faith is all about. But he also talked about what the defining factor of salvation is for each and every person. He challenged us to think about it and work it out.

Why? Because then we can do as Paul the apostle did in Acts (in the New Testament of the Bible) and tell others why knowing Jesus and the salvation he won for us is so awesome and life changing.

So I thought that I would like to share my testimony here with you. 

What is a testimony? It's basically sharing your faith journey and why your faith and your relationship with Jesus is so important to you.

Thinking back, I always thought that my faith journey began when I was five years old. But when I was speaking to a friend today, I realised I might have been a bit younger, back when we lived in the children's home. It was run by a Lutheran pastor and his wife and Im certain - although I can't remember, that Jesus was spoken of a lot.

My first memories of Jesus and who he was and who he was in MY life, happened when I was about 5. We were fostered to a family in the Adelaide Hills and they placed us in a teeny tiny Lutheran school. It was there I had my first memories of Jesus. I focus on Jesus and not God bc I first heard of Jesus being my friend and brother. Given what a messed up family life we had, I latched onto the relationship of having a big brother who wouldn't hurt me but love me and be there whenever I needed him.

I can remember, in grade one, sitting on the carpet playing with blocks when our teacher Mrs Noll (sp?) asked us who in the classroom had been baptised. Then I remember bursting into tears as Mike and I were the only ones who were NOT baptised. Even at 5 years old, I understood somehow what being in Jesus' family meant.

We got baptised quick smart. 

This photo above is Mike and I (at the front) with our half sister and half brother Bella and Rolf in the background, at our new home on the farm. Mike is proudly holding his hymn book he got - I STILL have mine in my bookshelf and it's something I do treasure from that day.

So, once baptised, I took hold of that friend of mine Jesus and never let go. I always had such a passion and love for this amazing guy who's lap I could climb onto whenever I felt sad - or jsut wanted to sing. Being such an incredibly happy child, I can really only credit Him for that, given all the abuse we had already experienced. I remember that devotion time every morning at school being my favourite time of the day - and while we all used to fight to sing our favourite songs, Mike always won out and I think for years, every single day, we sung "Im Happy on the Inside, Im Happy on the Out" Lol. Just shows what the touch of God can do even when you're tiny like we were.

As a 12 year old, I looked upto my older foster cousins with SUCH admiration. My two 'favourite' cousins Sonia and Julie were the ones I wanted to be just like. I remember sneaking into the Lutheran Seminary when Sonia lived there and sleeping under her desk praying not to get caught. But I also remember that she was the one that introduced me to Christian music - and a love of Keith Green was born. Suddenly, my teenage world consisted of Keith, Amy Grant, David Meece, Michael W Smith and a myriad of others that I was listening too. And my cousin was teaching me there was more to this Jesus thing that going to church and praying.

I could see she had a real personal relationship with him although at the time I didn't fully understand what that meant. All I knew, was that Jesus, God, well, he was still my friend, and he was someone I wanted to grow to be more like.

I began going to youth - but youth back then was all about the boys, lol. I also got confirmed. As I grew older I took on a lot of resposibilities - I became youth president of our youth, I got involved with zone stuff, having a psoition on the zone exec. I led and organised (with others) hundreds of camps. In fact,  when I was in year 12, I remember attending 6 camps as a leader and three as a participant - that's *9* camps in year 12. Wow. I even organised with one other girl an entire state youth convention. They were such good times.

It was all about me growing and learning more about who Jesus meant to me and then being a role model to the younger people who God placed me there to lead. It was about never letting go despite all the crap we went through. 

When my dad died on Father's Day in yr 12 I was obviously devastated. Not only because he had passed away, but because he didn't believe - he had always accepted that us kids went to church and believed in God, but whenever I had tried to talk to him about it he waved me off. That last day of his life, our foster dad had taken us to Adelaide to see him. Dad H left us alone with our dad and while we were visiting, the JW's came and knocked. He waved them away and I remember my heart beating like crazy (I know now that was the Holy Spirit) bc it was the perfect opportunity to talk to my dad about my HOLY dad. But I chickened out. And that night he died.

It was all I could focus on. I had let my dad go to hell. I was so guilt ridden. However later the day after, I was speaking to our pastor and he told me that my dad had given his life to Jesus while he was in hospital jsut weeks before he died. I was overjoyed  - but still felt terrible that it hadn't been me who brought him to that point. However, I knew then, that he would be in heaven rejoicing and that's all I cared about. The relief was massive.

I continued my love for Jesus and my holy dad  - it jsut grew and grew. Once I moved to Adelaide, I started attending an awesome church (Para Vista Lutheran), found some amazing Godly people who were able to guide me through not only the horrible years of my illness, but taught me so much more about my Jesus and how to live a lfie worthy of his grace and love.

It was while I was at PV that I found my favourite bible verse and it has been my mantra ever since.

"Praise be to my God, the Father of my brother Jesus Christ who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realms.... For he CHOSE me in Him before the world was even created, to be holy and blameless before him. In LOVE he ADOPTED ME as his child through Jesus... the the praise of his glorious grace which he gives without conditions to those he loves. In HIM we have redemption of our sins through Jesus' sacrifice of blood, for the forgiveness of our sins, i accordance with God's almighty grace.... In HIM we were also CHOSEN, having been predestined by God according to his awesome will and purpose for me and for the world." Ephesians 1:3-14 (paraphrased by Linda from NIV)

Notice some of those words? Chosen. Adopted. Child. Father. Love. They are all about family arn't they? It is saying that God chose Me. He chose YOU to be in his family. A family that was planned way before the world was created and that family included you! But not only that, he chose us to be holy too. Holy and blameless and he made this happen by giving his only Son Jesus to die on the cross, defeating Satan by rising again and thus fulfilling all the scriptures about him in the Old Testament of the Bible.

Why is this passage so incredibly important to me? I guess it's the fact that I have never felt like I belonged. I was always "The foster kid", "The cutter", "The one without a family", "The one in the papers", "The one with mental illness", "The aboriginal one" etc. No matter where I was (except maybe with the friends I grew up with), I always felt that distance between me and others. I always felt I never quite fit in.

Another thing is that I feel like I have had family taken away from me three times now - firstly, my real family - my dad passing away and being taken from my real siblings and mother (although Im glad it happened), then I lost my foster family, the long term family I lived with for 17 years. They basically dumped me and I struggled with identity ever since. THEN, I finally 'found' another family who promised they would never hurt me the way my foster family did (as they saw it happen), they loved me like their own, they introduced me to randoms and friends as another daughter and sister. They had captured me in the family web and I was convinced NOTHING would make me lose this family - and then they also dumped me.

I felt like every time I began to form an identity, a sense of belonging, it got stripped away from me. I was a lost lamb! Lost with noone to reach out too - except my Holy Father.

The major comfort for me through all my loss over my life time is this: The fact that I am Australian and more importantly the fact that GOD CHOSE ME! HE chose me and there is not one person on this earth that can take that away from me. 

Looking back over my life, I can see that I believed in him being my family from before I was baptised - from when I was that little 5 year old playing with blocks o that floor. Some part of me must have known that because I can remember always feeling comforted by the fact that I had a big brother that no one could mess with. I have always held strong to the promises of Ephesians but specifically that passage in chapter one. It's my all time favourite book and passage that my bible automatically opens to that page. It's been the biggest source of comfort for a girl who went from identity to identity, from family to family. The promise that God will never dump me, he will never build me up and then leave me. It's sooooo comforting. It gives me that belonging that no person on this earth could ever give me.

I think I will always struggle with that feeling of not quite belonging, with feeling a little apart from everyone around me. I know for a fact, I will never end that fruitless search for an earthly set of parents, but I can always hold tight to my faith and the Holy Father and brother who give me the comfort I need whenever I can remember to take it. Im hoping one day, it will be enough.

Love L
xxx