Post-Mental Health Week!

Hi there friends,

I wanted to write about World Mental Health Week which was last week. I just got so busy with work, so here is my belated post on it - I thought I might just write some general tids and bits here - bc you know me, I've gone into lots of detail on other posts.

Most of you know that I write a lot on mental health having experienced a lot of mental un-health in my adult life.

I guess Mental Health Week is all about raising awareness of mental health, mental illness and looking after yourself. I am so vocal about this stuff anyway and a big part of the purpose of my blog is to raise awareness of it, to educate you and to advocate for those who don't have a voice.

What is Mental Health? 

Mental health is just like your physical health - but for your brain! We place so much focus and attention on making sure our bodies are healthy. We try to eat the right foods and do all sorts of different exercises ranging from zumba, running, sports, gym etc to keep in shape. But how on earth do you keep your brain in shape?

Some of the best ways to keep your body in shape also apply to your brain. Did you know that getting the right amount of sleep can balance out your moods? As can eating fresh fruit and veggies (as opposed to artificial colours, flavours and preservatives)? Or getting enough exercise in the day (like even 'just' walking, just to raise those endorphins and tire you out so you can sleep).

Surprising isn't it? That the very things you would do to stay in shape physically also benefit your mind.

I love to challenge my mind with logic puzzles to keep it fit and active. Games like Sudoku are great at stretching your brain muscle. I wud urge you to give some a go - you might be stunned how how much more info you retain by training your brain! There are even brain training games on gaming consoles nowdays, give it a go!

So, it all sounds quite simple doesn't it? Wrong!

What if we add in factors like stress, depression, loss, illness etc.? It all becomes just a bit more complicated then. It is amazing, but not in a good way, the effect that stress can have on your life - your body can break down to the point of actual death if you have prolonged stress. Illness that goes on and on can also wear you down. I was sick with a horrible throat virus in August, it lasted the full month and it wore me down mentally so much bc no matter what I did, or how many anti-biotics I took, nothing was getting that virus outa me. It's horrible. I ended up crying a lot from the sheer frustration of not being able to shake that bug. It made me weak, tired, listless, confused and really sensitive. It just plain wore me down!

What if you have a mental illness. What's that? A mental illness you say? Yes, just as there is physical health and illness, we have mental  health and illness.

You have probably heard of most of the major or more well known mental illnesses - ranging from:
Anxiety disorders (Obsessive Compulsive Disorders, Panic Attacks, Agoraphobia etc)
Eating disorders (Anorexia, Bulimia etc)
Mood disorders (like Major Depression)
Personality disorders (like Borderline Personality Disorder)
Psychotic illnesses (schitzo-effective disorder, psychosis)
Dissociative disorders (DID, DD Not otherwise Specified etc)
Aaaaaand the two biggies (Bipolar Affective Disorder and Schitzophrenia)....

Not to mention things that don't technically have names - like self harm, but often get slotted into other illnesses and disorders. Whew! What a list, and that's only a few of them. There must be nearly as many mental illnesses as there are physical ones.

Mental illnesses can take a lot longer to diagnose than a lot of physical/medical illnesses as we are dealing - usually, with not only genetics but environment and most of the time, trauma. If you have experienced some kind of trauma as a child  you might not get the onset of an illness till your teens or well into adult-hood. I know for me, I only got correctly diagnosed in my mid 20's, but when my dr and I traced it back, it seems I first got my Bipolar (mania) episodes when I was 16 and as a result of many and much trauma as a child. 

Not all people with mental illnesses experience bad stuff, sometimes it's purely genetic but generally there is a trigger of sorts - whether it be extreme stress, loss of a loved one, abuse etc.

Enough with general info (I know I left it short (for me, haha) but I really want to move on from here now......)

Let me ask you something. Are you one of those people that give a generic 'fine' when asked how you are?

I get asked that a lot (as do most people) and you should see the look on their faces when I actually tell them how I am. Nowdays I sometimes do it for shock value.... or my own personal enjoyment to see their faces.....But whether positive or negative, it's important to be honest. 

The truth is (and I was reminded of this on a FB image tonight) that not only do we give the generic 'fine' but when it's asked, the asker is not looking for more than 'fine'. Have you seen the other person's face when you tell them how you really are? It can be quite amusing - if you're in the right frame of mind. People just don't know how to respond to realness and transparency.

Do you find yourself being the kind of person who asks the question just for something to say? Or do u mean it? Next time you go to ask someone "how u goin'?", first take a look at their body language; are they looking bright, have a straight posture, be walking with a bounce? Or do they look a bit defeated, be slumped, walk slow, talk slower than normal? Or do they even look tired? Then ask them how they are, and really mean it. If they give you that generic answer, ask them again. Trust me, that person may still give you a fine, but deep down in their core, they get a tiny message saying that you care. It might be hard for them to accept, but if you keep doing it, eventually they will get the message that you really do care. It took me over 5 years of fighting the love from friends before I finally started to accept the fact that there were people out there who did actually want to know how I was.

Sometimes I can get into trouble for asking them how they really are - but sometimes that's because I say "You look really tired", "You don't look so good" etc. but you know what? It's usually taken in good humour (and a lot of laughs if I got it wrong) and it DOES let the other person know that you are really noticing THEM!

Im such a massive believer in letting other people know they are worthwhile.

I also found this story below on facebook tonight that I'd like to share. It kinda relates to the above and is how I'm choosing to finish my post tonight. It was a friend's status and Im assuming she copied it from somewhere, but it struck a cord so much that I wanted to share it here in the hopes that it will make you think about how you talk to others, how you respond to them - their voice, their words but mostly their body language.....
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Spoiler Suicide
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SHARING FROM A FRIEND....

Wanna kill yourself? Imagine this. 

You come home from school one day. You’ve had yet another horrible day. You’re just ready to give up. So you go to your room, close the door, and take out that suicide note you’ve written and rewritten over and over and over. You take out those razor blades, and cut for the very last time. You grab that bottle of pills and take them all

. Laying down, holding the letter to your chest, you close your eyes for the very last time. 

A few hours later, your little brother knocks on your door to come tell you dinner's ready. You don’t answer, so he walks in. All he sees is you laying on your bed, so he thinks you’re asleep. He tells your mom this. Your mom goes to your room to wake you up. She notices something is odd. She grabs the paper in your hand and reads it. Sobbing, she tries to wake you up. She’s screaming your name. Your brother, so confused, runs to go tell Dad that “Mommy is crying and sissy won’t wake up.” Your dad runs to your room. He looks at your mom, crying, holding the letter to her chest, sitting next to your lifeless body. It hits him, what’s going on, and he screams. He screams and throws something at the wall. And then, falling to his knees, he starts to cry. Your mom crawls over to him, and they sit there, holding each other, crying. 

The next day at school, there’s an announcement. The principal tells everyone about your suicide. It takes a few seconds for it to sink in, and once it does, everyone goes silent. Everyone blames themselves. Your teachers think they were too hard on you. Those mean popular girls, they think of all the things they’ve said to you. That boy that used to tease you and call you names, he can’t help but hate himself for never telling you how beautiful you really are. Your ex boyfriend, the one that you told everything to, that broke up with you.. He can’t handle it. He breaks down and starts crying, and runs out of the school. Your friends? They’re sobbing too, wondering how they could never see that anything was wrong, wishing they could have helped you before it was too late. And your best friend? She’s in shock. She can’t believe it. She knew what you were going through, but she never thought it would get that bad… Bad enough for you to end it. She can’t cry, she can’t feel anything. She stands up, walks out of the classroom, and just sinks to the floor. Shaking, screaming, but no tears coming out. 

It’s a few days later, at your funeral. The whole town came. Everyone knew you, that girl with the bright smile and bubbly personality. The one that was always there for them, the shoulder to cry on. Lots of people talk about all the good memories they had with you, there were a lot. Everyone’s crying, your little brother still doesn’t know you killed yourself, he’s too young. Your parents just said you died. It hurts him, a lot. You were his big sister, you were supposed to always be there for him. Your best friend, she stays strong through the entire service, but as soon as they start lowering your casket into the ground, she just loses it. She cries and cries and doesn’t stop for days. 

It’s two years later. The whole school talks to a counselor/therapist at least once a week. Your teachers all quit their job. Those mean girls have eating disorders now. That boy that used to tease you cuts himself. Your ex boyfriend doesn’t know how to love anymore and just sleeps around with girls. Your friends all go into depression. Your best friend? She tried to kill herself. She didn’t succeed like you did, but she tried… your brother? He finally found out the truth about your death. He self harms, he cries at night, he does exactly what you did for years leading up to your suicide. Your parents? Their marriage fell apart. Your dad became a workaholic to distract himself from your death. Your mom got diagnosed with depression and just lays in bed all day. 

People care. You may not think so, but they do. Your choices don’t just effect you. They effect everyone. Don’t end your life, you have so much to live for. Things can’t get better if you give up. I’m here for absolutely anyone that needs to talk, no matter who you are. Even if we’ve NEVER talked before, I’m here for you. ♥ pls like if you read this thanks

Love and Peace
L xoxo

Inside My Brain! What Was I Thinking????

I grew up with a dad who was a Naturopath as well as a farmer. 

I figure that is a great thing as I learnt a lot about healthy living; the right diet, alternate ways to deal with illness and the list could go on forever. It has definitely helped me be more open to alternative medicine (although Im not what you might call a 'hippy freak'). I'm a big believer (thanks to dad) on finding other ways to deal with things rather than taking medications. I don't mean substitute chemical meds for herbal meds, I mean like when you have a headache, go lie down in a dark quiet room with heat/ice and only use painkillers as a last resort.

As a result of this thinking being instilled in me in my upbringing, I have come across quite a few barriers where my health is concerned as an adult. When I was a child, I was super healthy. I think that between the ages of 5 and 19 (when I moved out of home) I visited a dr all of maybe twice (and one of those times was for stitches from a barbed wire fence)! It took another 2-3 years after that till a friend finally convinced me to find myself a dr.

Anyway, when I was in my 22nd year of life, I developed Depression. It had a sudden onset (which I won't go into right now), triggered by one highly emotional event. My depression very quickly developed into me cutting my arms (self injury – SI) on a daily, sometimes hourly basis. I had 15 hospitalisations over the worst years of my mental illness. Amongst all that I also had a number of diagnoses – what began as Depression became a list of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (ODC), Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Dissociative Disorder (DD) and eventually the Depression turned into Bipolar Affective Disorder.

What a list! Whew!

Throughout that time I discovered the importance of a support network – a group of people around me who could not only be there when I needed a hug, but people who could really listen, who were not scared of the words “Mental Illness”, who were not going to shun me bc I was doing something destructive to my body, who could take me to the hospital, and mostly, who set strong healthy boundaries with me as I struggled through not only illness, but the addiction of cutting myself, and learning new social and living skills.

Looking back, I was so incredibly blessed by the people God put in my life. I quite often think about those people now with sadness as they or rather we, have all kinda moved on now and I don’t see any of them anymore.

In 2003 I actually had one of those miraculous healings that you occasionally hear about – the kind you read of in books. Yes, it actually happened to me!

Our church had a guest speaker come and do a conference – I forget what the theme of it was, but I’ll never forget him or his face as he prayed for my healing. I’ll never forget that feeling of the Holy Spirit coming over me and I was completely engulfed in wot I can only describe as peace!

Right then and there I knew that I was well again. It’s like God formed the words inside of me, the words: “Linda, you will never have that kind of depression ever again.”

I remember asking my pastor at the time how do u know if a healing is real when it’s in ur head? His response was to test it. Like that bible verse (Judges 6:36-40) where Gideon puts out a fleece to see if it really was from God, that he was going to be used to rescue Israel. Well, my ‘fleece’ was that I went into my psychiatrist the very next day (I just happened to have an app with him). I told him wot had happened the day before, he though not being a Christian, didn't believe it. However, when I boldly told him I wanted to come off my meds, without hesitation he trusted me and said I cud – on one condition, and that was if I ever got sick again, I would go back on them. The very fact that he didn’t argue with me, or even tell me to ween off the meds was more un-needed proof that this was from God.

So I went cold turkey (don’t ever do it, I was so sick for 2 weeks, lol), and it took me another 16 months before I had to go back onto medication – and you know wot? It was NOT for depression. Ironically I became manic which then gave me a final diagnosis. – Bipolar. Surprisingly (and with a bit of pride) my dr told me that he didn’t think I would last 2 months so to go 16, well, I was pretty proud of me, myself.

This does make sense though. We looked back over my life, asked old friends and worked out that I probably had the mania since I was 16 years old. The 5 dark years of depression are the only times of pure darkness I’ve had – the rest is all UP!

In terms of my other illnesses, my OCD is sort of under control. I was never one of those people who washed their hands repeatedly, although I don’t think it would have taken much for me to get to that point. My main problem is with germs. While I can be quite untidy... I am VERY clean hygienically. My pet hates of housework? Bins, pet stuff and toilet! Luckily I have a wonderful brother who does those things, he also gets rid of the spiders in the house and dead things my cat brings to me bc in my head, they all contain myriads of disease.

I did a lot of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) to overcome the worst of my OCD and now, to keep it in check, I have to challenge myself to play with the cats, to do the bins myself and to clean the toilet... you get the picture. The biggest thing I learnt in CBT is that the more you challenge those thoughts, the easier it becomes to do the dreaded task. It is highly uncomfortable living with the germs but if I don’t wash my hands, and sit with the anxiety then after 15 minutes (the theory is) that anxiety will subside. So I am pretty much daily challenging the OCD thoughts in my head because if I don’t, I know the thoughts and compulsions are going to overtake my world and I might end up back in hospital. Luckily, I do quite thrive on challenges J And if I ever needed more incentive to keep the house clean... well, then I just watch Hoarders on Gem! That does it quick smart, hehe!

My Borderline Personality Disorder, mainly came from the cutting (another whole post) – I definitely fit the criteria of it, but the most obvious part for me was the cutting. Some of my other ‘symptoms’ cud have also been Mania but I guess we will never know as the two are quite similar even though one is to do with moods and the other with personality.

I did this great course on Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (Marsha Linehan for those wanting to know) where you learn lots of new ways of dealing with distress, anger and a lot of other emotions and situations. I did the course twice – the second time being a bit of a co-leader as I was in the very first group who had done it in S.A. the first time.

Anyway, the Psychologist who ran the group was also the lady I saw for my CBT – and we already had a long relationship before doing the course – but it was great to have the same person as we could then discuss in my sessions with her, the things I struggled with in the group. As a result of the long hours of work with this amazing woman, and also the group (x2), I no longer have borderline. I will never forget sitting in her office and the Psych saying to me

“Linda, you no longer have Borderline! We really have to rub that off your list of illnesses”.

I do still have Borderline Tendencies – which if not held in check can possibly develop back into the illness (can you see how hard I have to work to stay sane? Hehe!) But all in all, I was very excited to mentally erase that one from my ‘list’. (I could actually talk a lot more about the stigma associated with this illness but maybe I’ll save that for another time).

So! The Dissociative Disorder... what the hell is that????

Nearly every single person experiences dissociation at some point – a really easy way for most people to understand this is when you are at the shops and you’re driving home... and suddenly you’re there – at home and you have no memory of driving down the road, waiting at traffic lights, passing other cars, driving into ur driveway. See? Im sure you can relate to that kind of example. Another classic example is day dreaming, pure and simple!

Well a Dissociative Disorder is more of the same only magnified. Have you heard of Multiple Personality Disorder? The Politically correct term for this now is Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) and I do know a few people who struggle with this syndrome/illness/disorder/disease (there is a lot of debate over the classification).  DID is the big granddaddy of the Dissociative Disorders.

A DD usually occurs when a person has had incredible (often ongoing) trauma – generally at a young age, and their brain cannot comprehend or deal with what is going on. The brain actually shuts off from the trauma and kind of ‘escapes’ to another reality. Usually the person who experiences this has no idea what is going on in either the real world where the trauma is happening, or in the ‘world’ where their mind has gone to escape. For people with DID, (correct me if I’m wrong you guys out there who have this) that part of the brain that is escaping the trauma hides and another ‘personality/alter’, comes to the for – usually a protector and the person who is the ‘main’ personality (the ‘real’ person) has no idea what this other person is doing and saying. I could go on and on and on about DID, but I’m here more to talk about DD in general.

For me, having a Dissociative Disorder means in layman’s terms... I have a bad memory. Well, that isn’t actually the truth of it, but I find it easier to blame my memory than to have to go explaining this illness to people, when the reality is that most don’t really want to know.

Because I had a lot of trauma as a child, my brain couldn’t cope with all that was going on, and so I actually have no memory of it. In fact, I distinctly remember one time talking to a Police Officer and thinking I was making up what I was telling them bc I honestly didn’t know wot to say. The thing is, it matched other evidence they had – so looking back now as an adult, there must have been part of my brain that knew wot was happening.

This disorder is actually the worst one for me even though I hardly ever mention it – and I really do gloss over it by blaming my memory. But for me, my psychiatrist once said that I am in a partial state of Dissociation all the time. I’m not sure how true this is, but I do know that the only times my memory seems to work is when I’m highly emotional – whether positive or negative, where there is a lot of emotion, I have a better chance of remembering it. My dr said that’s not surprising although I can’t remember why, (insane, isn’t it, lol).

If what he is saying is true, then it does explain why, when I look back at my life, I really just see darkness (I’m a very visual kinda gal). Not darkness bc of the all the bad that happened... but because I don’t have an visuals to fill the darkness. Here and there I see glimpses of yellow – which are vague memories that I have. My best friend who I grew up with (we have been friends for over 30 years, how cool), often says to me “Do u remember so and so? Or this event? Or when so and so did this?”. I hate to say it, but I don’t. The few memories I do have a extremely vague.

And yet, one of the very few memories I have from when I was really young (5 or 6) was going over to my “favourite cousin’s” (u know who u are) house, and slept over. All I remember is wearing the same dress as one of my cousins and we went to milk the calves and I spilt milk all over my pretty dress and had to wear an ugly one to school (musta been casual day). Hehe, isn’t it funny what we remember?

So for some reason, my brain escapes reality a lot. I have no control over it which frustrates the hell out of me. I’ve been accused many times of manipulating people because I don’t remember and of not caring, or not listening, when in fact, I really don’t have memory of something because I was not ‘there’! It’s like my body is doing one thing and my brain something else entirely. My biggest problem with this, is that with my other mental illnesses, I can find ways of coping, ways of living with it, new skills, etc. But with a Dissociative Disorder, I am yet to find something to help with it. I do use a lot of visual reminders. Like for example, when I’m at the dr and she gives me instructions I always make sure she writes it down as she tell me. That way I can go home and read it again later. I make people write down EVERYTHING if it’s important for me to remember. I have little notes scattered all over. Sometimes it really does jog a memory, but a lot of the time, I have to just trust that I wrote down something for a reason even if I don’t have the memory to go with it.

I really hate it, but I figure it has its blessings too. I used to mentor a lot of young people at my church and I could never remember what they were saying to me between when I saw them. I always figured that if God wanted me to remember between times, he would find a way to have me remember – it was the same with my clients (but harder as I had to then go and write case notes, which is why I always did them straight away, lol).

One of the worst things for me about my Dissociative Disorder (and you can tell if I’m unwell bc this will happen literally alllll the time) is that I can be halfway through a sentence and then stop suddenly as I’ve either forgotten the first half of the sentence and am wondering what the sentence was that I’m finishing.... or I am half way thru and can’t remember the second part of the sentence. There have been many times when I’ve ended up in tears of frustration over it. Perhaps that’s why I quite like emails and chat – bc I can reread what I’m saying and don’t look like an utter idiot, lol. Mostly though, I try and bluff my way through and people are none the wiser. So if I’m talking to you and I say something that doesn’t quite make sense just double check with me as it’s highly possible I have forgotten and am trying to bluff my way though. Lol.

So I guess that is enough for now about Dissociative Disorders. 


I want to share with you about my Bipolar as well, but I might post that in another entry as this is super long already!