Processing the Misunderstood Me!

So, I’ve been reflecting lately on something that really bothers me. I’ve noticed it mostly on fb but also a bit in my real life.

But before I begin, let’s just assume that I am well – Im balanced and doing ok. Bc when Im not well – when Mania takes over…. Well, that’s SUCH a different story, lol

When talking to people, I often ask for advice – not bc I am incapable of working something out on my own, but bc I have a number of mental illnesses, I sometimes make unhealthy choices.  I love to hear other people’s ideas and then from all of that I process and make my own wise decisions. Sometimes it’s the choice I would have made anyway, sometimes, hearing what others suggest helps a lot.

Sometimes I ask for help bc I genuinely don’t know but sometimes….. I just love to play devil’s advocate. I know full and well the answer to something, but I’m actually asking bc I want YOU, the person I ask, to be aware of something or to think on a deeper level.

However, I get the feeling more and more than people think I’m just plain dumb! I’m dark haired but I DO have blonde moments. I admit it, but I am not stupid.

The choices I make are very thought out; there is a definite reason behind what I have chosen to do or not do. I don’t make decisions on a whim (unless I’m manic), I am someone who overthinks EVERYthing.

I’m an analyser. I will look at something from every possible angle, I will try to see every single perspective to something and then, ONLY then, after considerable processing, will I make a decision.

Let’s take the example of having Preston visit. I know that there were quite a few on FB who thought I made a BAD decision there BUT, what they don’t know is that I thought that out very carefully.

Not only did I spend days and weeks praying for help to forgive this guy, but I believe I truly came to a space of peace about it…. Bc I know better than ANY other person on this planet (apart from my twin) the needs of my brother and the fact is, he really needs that friendship right now. I will not divulge why he needs it bc it’s part of his story.

But…

·         I looked at the impact of Preston being out of my life for good.

·         I looked at the impact that wud have on Mike.

·         I looked at how Mike would feel if I banned HIM from seeing P.

·         What wud Mike do to replace the void this friendship leaves.

·         I thought about what it would be like for Mike if I banned Preston from coming here.

·         I thought about how it wud be for me if he DID come here.

·         I thought about what other things Mike cud do to fill his time without that friendship.

·         I looked at how much time could I handle seeing him for.

·         I considered things like his lies – how would I cope with the continuous lying?

·         How would WE cope with his mother butting her nose in and badmouthing us?

·         How would I go with Mike constantly getting annoyed bc P won’t stop texting.

·         I considered the fact that Mike doesn’t understand my feelings about P

I considered my mental list of pro’s and con’s and THEN I made the decision that I needed to live in grace and forgiveness and accept that Mike will NEVER understand my feelings towards his best mate – not bc he is nasty – but bc he doesn’t have the capability to understand it bc of his disability.

So I needed to get with the programme and accept that there are things OUT of my control and there are things IN my control and how I respond to this guy is IN my control.

I know there are many on FB – even strong committed Christians (who really surprised me by their response to letting P back here) who really do not like my decision and think the guys are pushing me around.

But I’m here to say that they are not bullying me into this, nor are they pressuring me. I made this choice after careful analytical thought processes. I’m not happy with him being here a lot and I have boundaries around his access to our home but I have made what I truly believe to be a wise decision in my mind.

A very close friend of mine and I often talk about “The Resounding YES” deep down inside.

It’s basically deep down in ur gut; ur conscience, ur instinct, ur conviction or what I believe is the Holy Spirit. Once I made this decision, I got the resounding yes I was looking for.

That’s how I knew it was the right choice.

It was a choice that was almost OVER thought out and it was with much disappointment when I saw so many dissing it. But then I had to realise that none of these people realised the extent that I had thought this out.

The people that know me…. Really KNOW me, know that Im no ditz! They know that yeah, I say and do silly stuff sometimes, but they know that when it’s serious, Im a thinker.

And for those of you who DON’T know me that well, just know that every decision I make is very definite. It’s very thought out.  I also acknowledge that you guys out there who are not happy with my decision – you’re just looking out for me, I know you care about me and that you have all seen me take a downward path this year. I know ur words are coming out of fear for my health, and love and concern for me and I honour you in that.

My ex (like so many others) used to think I just sprouted whatever came out of my head. So not true. (Ok, it was true when I was younger, but he didn’t know me then). I used to tell him that pretty much everything I said had already been thought through and there was a pretty damn good reason why I said what I said. Even in our arguments towards the end. I knew exactly what I was saying. I knew what things would hurt him the most, I knew what would build him up, I knew his response if I said certain things – sometimes I believe I said those things to GET that response. (I’m highly ashamed to admit all this, but I have to admit, I knew exactly what I was saying even in anger.) Like I said, I’m a thinker.

Sometimes I ask questions to see the other person’s reaction/behaviour to a particular thing in order for me to know the next step. Sometimes it might be to play devil’s advocate. Sometimes I genuinely don’t know the answer. Often it’s to educate or raise awareness of something I know a lot about.

There are a myriad of reasons why I say and do what I say and do – and nearly NONE of them are silly flimsy shallow reasons.

My psychologist used to tell me a LOT that I was very philosophical and extremely intelligent. On reflection, I do think she is right, and I wish more people in my life saw me that way instead of the way I think they perceive me (based on numerous comments I get on FB).

Im a deep deep thinker and there is nothing I love more than a deep convo.

A lot of ppl think I talk a lot? Gee, if ONLY you all knew how much I think in comparison to talking. You would be STUNNED I tell you, lol.

I think a lot of it comes from years of intense counselling – where they push you to look below the surface. It just so happens that I LOVE using my brain this way. I LOVE to think about other perspectives. That old saying “Walk a mile in someone else’s shoes” couldn’t be more pertinent – as that is exactly what I do when I’m processing. By looking at every perspective possible when thinking through something, I really do put on as many different pairs of shoes as I possibly can so I get a broader perspective of the bigger picture.

The other thing about counselling is that they encourage you to ask for help. If you’re really stuck, swallow your pride and don’t be ashamed to ask for help.

It took me a long time to learn this as like most of us, I didn’t want to admit I needed help sometimes. But nowadays it’s second nature to me. I guess that’s another reason why people think I’m dumb? Bc I DO ask for help when I need it as opposed to the majority of our population who tries to get by on their own. It’s a learnt behaviour and sadly, I truly think that most people think it means I’m not capable of doing things myself. I’m certain that if EVERYone asked for help when they needed it, I wouldn’t be feeling so patronised.

This is also a BIG clue to you out there as to my mental state of mind. If I start asking for help – it usually means I can see warning signs of my health deteriorating.

Like earlier this year. Even back in January, I could see tiny alarm bells. I told significant ‘leaders’ in my life – ppl in authority, and none of them believed me. They would brush me off with “oh, but you have been so well” or “oh you’re just imagining it” and it got to the point where in May I was hospitalised bc those people in authority and leadership in my life refused to really listen

I’m a big believer in the BIG PICTURE!

I love taking one small thing and looking at it from the Big Picture point of view. How will that one small thing impact others in the big picture? In the grand scheme of things? That’s why I encourage ppl to look at every perspective possible. Bc if u only look at it from ur own headspace, ur not thinking about the big picture. And when u imagine the bigger canvas that is life, sometimes, that small thing can impact SOOO many others that you might not have thought of when looking at it from ur little corner of the world.

I also believe that looking at the bigger picture when making decisions and choices gives you a much wiser view of the problem.

So these are just my thoughts. Please stop and realise Im a lot smarter than most give me credit for. Understand that when I ask a question, there may be more to it than ‘stupid dumb Linda asking advice again!”

I hope u got something out of this, bc it was great therapy for me to write it.

Love

L xo